So You're Inheriting An Apple Orchard...

Dear Kiddos,

It can be hard to look into the eyes of your children, and know where they'll be in 10, 20, 30 years.  I think the reason it is hard for me is because the options ahead of you are literally limitless.  You can do ANYthing.  Sports, education, emotional or spiritual growth, occupation...you could do anything.  Nothing is out of reach for you.  One of the reasons is because at your age, and with the smarts you three have, and the work ethic, you could become whoever you wanted.

At our 10 year anniversary dinner, your Mom and I wrote down who we wanted to be in 10 years, with the hope that we could overcome weaknesses and challenges to become who we wanted, and with a focus on that for ten years we could surely do it!

So let's shift gears to the hypothetical.  Let's say that you had been told that when you turned 30 you would inherit an apple orchard.  Let's also so that you were told that the apple orchard would be the best apple orchard, and would be your key to success and happiness if you took proper care of it.  What would you do between now and then?  Maybe learn about apple trees? Pruning? possible tree infections and remedies?  Maybe you'd plant a few trees and practice caring for them so you were better prepared?  Maybe even study apple market share, or develop relationships with produce purchasers to understand how they make their decisions.  You could be come an expert in all things related if you had enough time and enough foresight.

That was the analogy I thought of during the adult session of Stake Conference a few weeks ago.  I was listening to a talk and it hit me.  At the end of this life, and after the resurrection, you will be a god, and with Carrie by your side, you'll have countless spirit children.  You'll have to know how to love them and teach them and respect their agency whether they choose good or evil, whether they love you or hate you.  Knowing that, what should you do?

Could I really do that, given enough time and foresight?  I know you kids could.  I know your Mom could.  But could I? And how would knowing that affect what I try to do and who I try to become in this life?  I've learned so much from you kids these last 3 years, and while I'm grateful, I also feel bad that you are my "practice trees";  Here to help me learn how to be a good parent. But I think you three and Mom and I agreed before we came down here to Earth that no matter where we were placed on this Earth, we would find each other, and we'd stick with each other, and we'd work together to help all of us overcome our weakness and become our best selves, and return again rejoicing.

That's hard to stay focused on every day, but I know that we have the vision, we have the foresight, and we have the time.  So I know we can do it by babystepping along and working each week to be a little better, a little more patient, a little more loving, a little more faithful, prayerful, and kind than the week before.

Love,
Daddydoo

I Will Be Brave!!

Dear Kiddos,
Your Mom and I try really hard to be sympathetic when you are afraid of something, but try to encourage you to be brave and overcome those fears.  We've never worried about using nightlights, and you kids have always been just fine with the dark, in fact Noah and Yemma, you two often pull a blanket over your head if it isn't dark enough!  We've also worked with you kids in an attempt to help you understand your emotions and use words instead of traditional toddler communication via tantrums and screaming....just for YOUR benefit of course ;o)

At some point, after reading Nephi 3:7 with you all, we used the phrase, "Do you have Nephi's courage?".  Well, that phrase and "I was so brave!" have been well adopted by you, Caleb, and as Noah and Yemma talk more and more, you two are following suit.

So the other day when Mom was taking you guys out to the car, she wasn't surprised that Caleb said "I will be brave, I will be brave" but she WAS surprised by the timing.  She went to the other side of the car to see why you needed to be brave, and to her surprise there was a dead cat on the garage floor!  It turns out that the cat had crawled up under the hood the previous night at Grandma and Grandpa's house and likely died on the way home.  What I love about the story though, was that when my boy was faced with something unexpected, he didn't stop, or make excuses; He decided to be brave and move forward.

Throughout your lives you'll be faced with new things.  Different things.  Unexpected things.  For some you'll be able to make the decision to be brave, and meet them head on.  Others you might need to lean on your Mom and I for added strength.  For others still,  you'll have to have Nephi's courage; A courage that can only come through faith and prayer.  A confidence that comes from knowing your Heavenly Father supports you and has charged angels to go before your face and round about you to bear you up.  Regardless of what kind of bravery or courage is required, I hope you'll know you can do it, and that you don't have to do it alone.

Love,
Daddydoo

Kiss it better

Noahroo
I imagine you know this already, but you are one tough kid.  You are only two and a half and you are all muscle.  Not only are you tough because you are all muscly, but you are tough because you can fall and smack something (and often do) and go right back to playing without skipping a beat.  Your Mom and I will just look at each other and wonder how that just happened.

But you can also barely bump something and burst into tears and come running over to us, crying "Kiss it better".  Sometimes I've responded with a "you're not hurt" or "be tough!", to which you just your chin out, lower your head and look at me like I'm totally missing the point....because I am.

When you ask me to kiss it better, and I swoop you up, acknowledge that you fell, and give you kiss, you invariably, even when you really smacked yourself, are able to recover and go play.  I used to think that was proof that you hadn't really hurt yourself, but now I think it means that listening, sympathizing, and caring are NOT placebo's.  I think they actually work to remove pain and encourage us along.

You are young, but you are already a very sympathetic little boy, and clearly full of love.  I hope you'll take the time to listen to someone's concerns, even if they seem to you to be insignificant or unnecessary.  If they are crying, it is a big deal to them, and you can be the one to listen, sympathize, care, and encourage them to feel better.

Love,
Daddydoo.

Feeling the Spirit

Hi there Caleboo!
We had a cool experience today.  After church, we put you down for a nap.  I really like talking with you and watching as your vocabulary grows so much.  I asked you what you learned about in nursery today.  For the record, your response, all by itself, was absolutely amazing and showed what a bright little boy you are and how tender your spirit is to truth.

"That Jesus has a body, a physical body.  and he has a spiritual one inside"

Really?  Did my barely 3 year old just say that?  Need I mention your near perfect diction?  What a great lesson you learned from your nursery leaders.

So I realized that this was a perfect opportunity to reinforce the lesson and help you recognize the Spirit.  Teaching moment! Here's how it was supposed to go, or how I envisioned it going -

Me: "Wow, Caleboo, what a great lesson! How does it make you feel to know that?"
You: "Happy"
Me: "Those happy feelings come from the Spirit telling you what you learned is true"
You: "Thanks Dad, you're an amazing teacher.  I've learned so much!"
Then we'd have a big hug, and you'd quietly drift off to sleep

Here's how it actually went -

Me: "Wow, Caleboo, what a great lesson! How does it make you feel to know that?"
You: "Sad"
Me: "uhm, Sad? or Happy?"
You: "Sad"
Me: "It makes you feel sad to think about Jesus like that?"
You: "Yeah"
Me: (Oh no! my teaching moment is unraveling! Mayday, Mayday!....Wait, I wonder why he's saying "sad") "Why does it make you feel sad?"
You: Because he's not here with us.

Here I was thinking about teaching you to feel the spirit, and you were so close to the spirit that you longed to be with Jesus.  So, I was right about it being a teaching moment, but it was you doing the teaching :)

Thanks for having such a strong spirit.  I love you kiddo.
Love, Daddydoo

Invisible Hands

Hi there my Yemma-lou,

Before I get started I just want to say that your Mom made your hair look sooo cute today.  It framed your pretty face and girly features so well and you were just adorable.

Now, to start off, let me remind you of how you like to sleep.  You are a master mimicker or you and Noah are just kindred spirits, because you both like to sleep on your knees....that's right.  and I don't mean while praying, or at least i'm not aware that's what you are doing before you fall to sleep.  Imagine sleeping on your stomach and then tucking your legs underneath you, and that's how you and Noah sleep.  When you are congested and have a cold it just sounds so sad, and you do NOT like to sleep on your back!

You and Noah are also great sleepers.  Caleb was too until he got a little older, so we'll see what happens with you two.  Here's where you and Noah are opposites in sleeping.  When Noah sleeps, you can't even see him.  He's usually under a couple blankets, and a pillow, smothered into the darkest corner of his bed he can find.  You on the other hand are often sleeping on top of your blankets out in the middle of the mattress. No matter how cold it might be, or how warm your pajamas are, or how we leave you when we put you to bed, that's how you end up.

Maybe I've been partially responsible for your sleep habits.  If I just let you freeze a few night's maybe you'd learn to keep your blankets on....but I don't.  I sneak in after you've fallen asleep and cover you up.  Last night as I snuck in right before going to bed myself, I covered you, and then thought about how you'd never know I did that for you night after night.  I thought about how you might be dreaming of walking through the tundra without a coat, and then your dream would shift to snuggling into a blanket by the fire as you warmed up, and you wouldn't even know why, you'd just feel happier, and comforted and hopefully, loved.

Now make no mistake, I'm definitely not claiming to be a great Dad.  I have my faults, and weaknesses that I'm trying to improve.  But in the quiet of the night, looking down at my little 20 month old girl, covering her up and whispering, "I love you, babygirl", I feel like a good Dad. and it brings me joy to know there are things I can do to be there for you and let you know I love you.

Now, I didn't write this letter to herald my great deeds, nor did I write it to make sure you knew what i did for you.  I wrote it for three reasons:

1) There are invisible hands that touch our lives all the time.  People who love us so much, that make our life better with or without us even knowing it.  People close to us who share love, or sacrifice for us.  A loving Father in Heaven imparting his love.  Yet-to-be-born children, or a brother or uncle who've already passed away working anonymously for our benefit.  That feeling you have right now...that's the Spirit testifying truth.  Another invisible hand building testimony, and helping you feel the love your family and your Father in Heaven have for you.

2) Do your best to recognize when someone around you tries to help you, and be grateful.  Sometimes it isn't the best help, sometimes it isn't something you asked for, and sometimes it can be a profound experience on your life, but be grateful.

3) There is an indescribable joy that can be felt when serving others.  Sacrificing your own comforts or desires to lift others.  Sometimes silently, sometimes not so much, but look for those opportunities.  Think of others and their situations and don't be afraid to reach out to them.  Give of yourself, and I promise you'll find joy in being those invisible hands, even if it is simply helping your sweet little angel be a little warmer at night.

Love,
Daddydoo

Leave Yourself at the Door

Dear Caleboo,
The other night your Mom and I sat down to relax at the end of a fairly long day.  We were tired and anxious for a break from the days stresses.  About 5 minutes into it you called out from your room for us and I came in to see how you were doing and get you all tucked in again.  We said "I love you" again and you settled in and I went back to be with your Mom.  A few minutes later we were all settled in and comfortable again and you called out again.  This time your Mom went in to see what you needed.

I was a little frustrated that our nice night kept being interrupted and imagined what I'd do if you called out a third time.  As I thought about that I thought that if you kept calling out, you probably just wanted a little more attention than we were giving you.  I thought about times I have a hard time falling asleep, and how grateful I am when your Mom stays up longer than she could reasonably be expected to, just to try to help me go to sleep.  I thought of how that makes me feel loved and important, and I decided that if you called out a third time, I was going to do that for you.

Mom came back and we got settled in to enjoy our evening again.  Sure enough, a couple minutes later came the call from our Caleboo who's "blanket isn't working".  I started to feel upset, and then reminded myself of how you might be feeling.  I told your Mom I'd take care of it and as I walked out I voiced out loud "leave yourself at the door, Dad".  The reason I said that is because I was also thinking of how I was going to make sure I let you know that you were making my night hard, and you needed to learn to be respectful of other's time.  I knew I couldn't really make you feel loved and important, if I was focused more on myself, so I had to choose.

As I left the room and entered your room, I committed to leave behind my selfish desires and just focus on you.  As I did that I was filled with the love I feel for you.  I walked in, gave you a big hug, and asked if you wanted to sit with me.  I barely finished the sentence before you had grabbed a blanket to come cuddle with.  You climbed up onto my lap as I sat in the bean bag chair and just let me hold you.  We sang "Give said the little stream" and "Teach me to walk in the light" together and just sat there enjoying being together.  I was probably only in there for 10 or 15 minutes, but I think we both felt so much better afterwords.  You went to sleep without another word, and your Mom and I were still able to enjoy our night, even if it wasn't how we'd initially envisioned it going.

I think a lot of our relationships in life could be improved if we just tried more often to leave ourselves at the door.
Love,
Daddydoo

Dual Beings

Hey there my kiddos!  I haven't been writing many letter to you lately.  I've had some special moments that were blogworthy, and I've wanted to record them for you, but honestly, I've just been too selfish. It is a strange feeling when you know you aren't who you need to be, and you focus so much on trying to change, that you completely forget about those around you that you are trying to be good for! Let me explain.

I feel like I have it in me to be a great dad.  There have been times with all three of you that I could see the big picture, and almost intuitively understand what you were thinking and knew what i could do to help.  I've used words and voice tone to help my Caleboo relax when something has upset him.  I've used a big hug turning into a tackle to help my Noahroo feel safe and loved.  I've sung songs and shared kisses with my Yemmalou to calm her down when she's wound up. It is difficult to come up with examples because there is no formula for it.  I feel like it just percolates naturally out of the love I have for each of you, but deep down, I know it is a gift of the Spirit that oozes out of me when I am remembering to love and focusing on others.

I also feel like I can be a horrible dad, not worthy to have such a beautiful perfect-for-me wife and such amazing awesome kids.  I've yelled, and been scary and made you kids wonder what is going on or what you did to cause me to get angry even though it isn't your fault.

So I've been struggling for a while, but with focussed intensity the last couple months, wondering how I could be so bipolar.  Knowing I could be great and feeling exhultant gratitude with those wonderful moments, but being afraid I might be terrible, and then feeling deep depression and remorse when I give in to my weaknesses and shortcomings.  I've wondered who I really am, and I really a good dad who sometimes fails, or a bad dad occasionally disguised as a good one?

Last Sunday morning it seemed obvious to me that I was really a bad dad and I knew I needed to change but didn't feel like it was possible (though deep down I knew it had to be).  I left, knowing I needed to finally change and switch into the good dad for good or I might be stuck as a bad dad. I drove clear to the new Brigham City temple to think and figure it out.  I knew I needed to build on a stronger foundation (Hel 5:12) but the real gem came over the following week.  On the way home from Brigham City I started listening to a book on CD that your Mom got me a few years ago called "Using the atonement in our everyday lives".  Every time I've been driving somewhere in the truck since then I've listened to more.  In that book I found my answer; We are dual beings.

None of this is new doctrine, but it really sank into my heart that we are made up of two parts.  One part is our Spirit, which comes from royal heritage, can feel when something is right and wants to return to live with God.  The other part is a physical mortal body, made of the earth and carnal in nature that is the drive behind the natural man. These two very different parts are fighting to live in one being and learning to live together.  Sometimes the natural man takes over, sometimes the spiritual.
It was so comforting to understand how I could be so nice and want to be so good, yet sometimes be so bad.  Make no mistake, this doesn't justify being bad and making poor choices, but it helped me understand the duality of who I was and help me know how to confront it.  The way we confront it is to put our body in subjection to our spirit.  That's why we fast every month.

It is also important to remember, and this was also of great comfort to me, that we are never "done".  We don't achieve "goodness" and then relax in some spiritual retirement home.  Every day we must fight to keep our body in check by increasing our spiritual strength and understanding.  So that's what I'm going to strive for, for you guys, for your mom, for me, and of course for my Savior who makes it possible for me to repent, and to change, and to have grace to help me improve.