We've had a couple great weekends in a row. The weekend before last we all went ziplining with the Evanses and went fourwheeling at the cabin. This last weekend we shot off rockets in the church parking lot and went camping in the backyard. Some might consider us dumb for involving our 4 year old and two 3 year old in such activities, and maybe we are. The simple truth is that we love being together, so if it is possible to be together, we strive to do it!
We also try hard not to pass our fears onto you kids. We always encourage you to be cautious, but brave, and we try to help you feel what we do...that you you can do ANYthing you set your mind to if you are determined, work hard, and don't make excuses.
This weekend Noah, you made me so proud. We were cleaning up after camping, and you picked up the stack of kid's adirondack chairs and went to put them back on the deck. I could tell they were too heavy for you and jumped up to help you. As I got close I decided to just stay there in case you needed help, but to let you figure it out. You couldn't quite get on the first step, and nearly fell over as you stepped back. You recovered, repositioned the stack, lifted as high as you could and walked forward. the chairs hit the first step, but you maneuvered them onto the second step and got yourself onto the first step. Your attempt to get up the last step caused you to again fall back to the grass and nearly fall down.
Then you turned, and looked at me and said something that just made me nearly tear up. You didn't say "I can't do this". You didn't say "I'm having a hard time". You didn't say "Dad, why aren't you helping me?". You said, with a look of determination on your face, "Dad, will you help me put these on my head?" I was shocked, but decided to let you try it. I helped you get them on your head, winced a couple times when you nearly fell over, then watched you march up the stairs. I took this picture, and then helped you lower the chairs to their final resting place.
I was proud, because you didn't give up. I was proud because you didn't look for excuses. I was proud because you didn't look for a handout, rather you looked for help so that you could do it. It was like watching the Brother of Jared do everything in his power to get light in the boats, and humbly ask his Heavenly Father to help magnify his efforts. You were brave, strong, and humble. What a great combination of attributes!
Not long after we heard screaming from inside as you and your brother and sister ran from a moth that had gotten into our house. You were all scared of the moth, and it is okay to be scared. Even good to be scared sometimes. But then, little man, you went a got a dishcloth (like you've seen me do to take out flies and such) and very tentatively faced your fear
You swung your towel cautiously at the moth, which you barely touched with the towel, and then this happened.
You jumped back as the moth fluttered across the window.
I was proud, because you didn't let yourself be controlled by your fear. I was proud because you looked for way to conquer your fear. I was proud because you didn't look for excuses, rather you looked for a way you could help your family. You were brave, and still careful. What a great combination of attributes!
In one instance you were successful in achieving your goal, in the other you weren't, but in both you showed what a wonderful character you have. I hope you continue to develop those wonderful attributes. You are such a good helper and such a hard worker. You look for ways to help when Mom and I do things. You are strong, AND humble, brave, AND careful, tough, AND sensitive and loving. Thanks for being such a great kid. I love you, son!
Dear Calebooski,
Your mom and l had an epiphany today. You had snuck into our room when you were supposed to be napping. We responded well and as we were discussing it we were taught a new concept. It left a profound impact on me that sent me searching for the best way to convey the idea. My search took me back to learning about ancient Greeks, so here we go :-)
Greek uses two words for time; Chronos and Kairos. Chronos refers to a specific sequence of time (this, then that, then that other thing - you know chronological!). Chronos is very quantitative and measurable and formulaic, so you can predict the outcome more simply. A chronos day is simply 24 hours.
Kairos on the other hand is qualitative and difficult to predict. In fact, the word is also used for weather. Like the weather, Kairos can be partially unpredictable yet still scientific, with general unquantifiable expectations. A kairos day would be like one of the "days" during the creation; more of a moment or period of time than a clear cut day.
To consider Kairos in conversation you must consider more than just time; you must consider time, place, culture, mood, and audience. You must soak it all in to best respond to that specific kairotic moment.
Last week your Mom and I flew to Portland. After landing, your Mom went into the restroom and I sat on a bench to get connected to Wi-fi so I could start the Navigation program on my phone to help us get to Ashland. I heard someone emptying the garbage can next to me but chose to keep doing what I was doing.
As I continued working on my phone I could hear the janitor mumbling about people being on their phones and not knowing what was going on around them. "Excuse me?" , I said. "I'm not talking to you." she declared even though no one else was close by. I chuckled to myself and continued working on my phone. She proceeded to wipe off the tables and mutter about phones and airport patrons.
She struck a nerve in me when she started talking about how spoiled and privileged "they" are and how oblivious and rude "they" are. I stood up and confronted her. I justified my phone usage , explained that I definitely did NOT come from privilege , and how I didn't appreciate how rude she was.
About that "Chronos" time, your Mom came out and I strutted off with her, satisfied that I hadn't sat idly by to be undeservedly abused. As we walked towards the exit I regaled your Mom with my story of heroism, even though I had just taken a kairotic moment and used it to tear someone down.
Each morning we should expect to be encountered with a handful or more kairotic moments that day, and prepare ourselves mentally to deal with them. How will you handle those moments? Will you use them to break down relationships, destroy confidences , and pridefully offend others? Or will you use those special opportunities to build love and trust? uplift and grow? show compassion and inspire?
Thankfully we are children of a God who chooses the latter at those kairotic moments. Thankfully he sees the "Kairos" now in the middle of our "Chronos" now. And thankfully he will sometimes even give us a second chance at a Kairotic moment, like he did with me and the janitor.
A couple minutes later I looked around and realized I was going deeper into the terminal instead of towards the exits. I Mentioned to Your Mom the irony that I was so involved with my phone I was oblivious to where I was walking. We turned around and I was determined in my mind to avoid going near that mean old lady as I sheepishly passed by.
Then I stated to think about how rude I was to her. I started to tear up a little as I talked with your Mom. As I thought about how sad it was that I knew there was another human being a couple feet from me and I didn't even bother to raise my head and say "Hi".
Right at that perfect kairotic moment I looked into a room off to the side to see that "mean old janitor" leaning on her garbage can, sobbing.
With wet but clear eyes and a watch set to "Kairos" time I went towards her, against her demands, and gave her a big long hug. I profusely apologized for my behavior, and then listened as she shared the challenges and stresses she was facing that day and at that time in her life.
I know your Mom and I came out of that moment better than we were before, and I hope she felt loved. Now, I'll ask again, How will you handle the kairotic moments you'll face today? with your family? with your coworker? with the guy in the car next to you? with the janitor you see in the mall's food court?
I think there is a fine line between "airing dirty laundry" or "casting pearls" and the good and learning that can come from being open. I can't control what you or anyone else will think when you read my thoughts, but I can focus on sharing with you the things I learn in hopes it will somehow be valuable to you someday. The things I've written and the lessons I've learned from you kids can also help me, as I discovered today. I was reading "Invisible Hands" and thinking about all the help I've received. I read "Dual Beings" and was reminded of where I was, compared with where I am. I read "Leave yourself at the door" and was reminded of how much it has helped me to have people be open, which encourages me to do the same. I read "I will be Brave" and was infused with the courage needed to write this post.
So thanks, me, for the great advice! :-)
Earlier this year, or maybe last year sometime
Let me start this off by telling you there is no one I know more loyal, forgiving, and faithful than your Mom. She has endured a lot, and never stopped loving me. Take good care of her, or I will haunt you as a dragon in your dreams (If you don't know that reference, ask your Mom or I, or Rob and Reb). Anyway, one day I read a post on depression from a blog on your Mom's computer that sounded a little too familiar to me. Shortly thereafter I talked to your Mom about the articles she'd been reading on Depression. From the confused look I could tell she had no idea what I was talking about, but she had thought of me back when she read that post and wondered if maybe I did have some sort of Depression or something. It seemed possible, but the feelings and challenges didn't always fit with what I understood about Depression. The feelings I had weren't that different than in the post but some were dead ringers. So I worked even harder to try to "break through", like she did.
"I can do hard things" I reminded myself. Fail. "I just have to push myself and I can do it". Fail again. "I just need to man up and be the man I know I'm capable of being". Fail and wonder, "why do I keep failing?". "Stop whining about your perfect life, loving wife, incredible kids, good job, nice house, and functional paid for cars and go be who you know you need to be!" Fail, and realize how horrible I am for failing for no good reason. That was terrible. I was depressed, and didn't even have a good reason, and I knew it. Finding new tools, or coming up with a new meaningful phrase or scripture to focus on was momentarily motivating, but in actuality, like the post says, "...trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn't going to work."
Two and a half months ago
In spite of my efforts I kept "failing". I felt broken. I would tell myself that I just wasn't doing everything in my power. I must just be missing this piece, or that piece, or forgetting that helpful tool, and I just needed to combine everything and THEN i'd be okay. The conflict from the "Dual Beings" nature was too much for me because I eventually realized I couldn't wait for the perfect storm of rightness that would propel me to being good because at any hiccup I'd fall from the pedestal again. I felt like I was becoming weaker and weaker ad worse and worse and giving in to being a bad husband and father with more frequency even though I was trying harder than ever to be the Dad and Husband I've always tried to be. I just felt like I was spinning my wheels.
I have notebooks filled with motivational tools and moments of inspiration and lessons, that all have meaning to me. I have countless hours of discussion and brainstorming with your Mom analyzing childhood, communication, parenthood, relationships, and pretty much everything else. I have a huge mirror in the bathroom with various reminders written on it. I have the faces of a lovely wife and three beautiful kids whom I love so dearly. I have a Willow Tree figurine I gave your Mom with a promise that I would never give up. But I still wasn't who I needed to be and knew I could be. Not even close. I even started questioning if I was getting any better. I'd get frustrated for no good reason. I'd beat myself up for not being who I knew I could be. So I called a therapist and set up an appointment because I didn't know what else to try, and I refused to give up even if I had to do something uncomfortable like, ask for professional help (gasp).
About three weeks ago
For 8 weeks your Mom and I got up early and went to see my therapist. Frankly, it was quite easy because I wasn't trying to hide anything, and I wanted help. Everything he wanted to know was at the forefront of our minds already. Everything he wanted to discuss was something we had already discussed, so we progressed rapidly. He was good at listening and adding pointers or tools or angles that were new to us and we were anxious to try anything he wanted us to try. They all worked...sometimes. Just like everything else. One day when I was talking about it being hard for me to feel God's love, the therapist told me he was still convinced I suffered from Depression, but he didn't think I could overcome it no matter how hard i tried without medication. It deflated me. I didn't want to rely on medication, even if I'd probably only need it for 6-12 months. He said he understood my position because he, too, was an independent, hard worker who didn't like to make excuses and thought he could do anything if he just tried hard enough. He said that he had reached a point in his life where he too had to finally admit to himself that trying harder wasn't the answer. He'd tried all the tools, and he knew all the tools. He'd tried forcing himself to be right. He said that he started taking a medication and then started noticing that his efforts started to "stick", and he encouraged me to see my doctor and get a prescription. I wasn't surprised, but I had still held on to the hope that with the help of the therapist I could brute force myself to be better. I worried about taking medication to "alter my brain" even though it was tauted as being analogous to vitamins.
About two weeks ago
When I made the decision to see a therapist I had already made the decision in my mind that if I needed to take medication that I would if it is what helped. It wasn't easy or fun, but I went to the doctor and shared my situation. He agreed with the diagnosis and gave me a prescription for Prozac.
Last Sunday
I started taking half doses as recommended and after a few days of that moved to full doses. I was worried that I might sub consciously try to "make the medicine work" as though it was a placebo, which would indicate that I had the power within all along. I was also worried that i might subconsciously "keep the medicine from working". I worried it wouldn't work and I'd have to try something else. I worried that medicine wasn't even enough to help me.
Last Friday
I sat down on my bed at the end of the day to discuss the day with your Mom. As I started talking about how i was feeling I paused, and looked back over the day in my mind. Then I looked back over the past week. Then, while Mom looked at me quizically, I compared that day and week with every similar day and week I could think of in the past few years. It wasn't until that very moment that I realized I didn't feel any different. I wasn't changed. The world wasn't rose tinted. I was doing the same things, and so was everyone around me. BUT, it was then that I also realized that at that moment I felt like I would after a day where things had gone pretty well. Not after a day and week where I was sick and hadn't done much, and had struggled. I thought about how something might get to me, and I'd discuss it with your Mom, but even when things were resolved, or I understood the situation, the feeling would often stay. But at that moment, I realized that several times already that week, the feeling didn't stick. I could resolve it and move on. I was scared that this might be a fluke, but I was also so excited that maybe the medication was actually helping...already! I felt like my work was paying off. I felt like my legs were back under me and if I tried, I'd be able to see a difference. But the best thing was, that I wasn't doing anything special, and I also still felt like me. It was a wonderful realization and a moment I hope not to forget.
Last Saturday
I sat down to watch conference and in the afternoon session, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland got up to speak. Is it okay to have a favorite apostle? I hope so, because I'd say that he and Elder Oaks are my favorites. I have always seemed to relate really well to their stories and the way they speak. It is no nonsense, bold, but loving and compassionate. The kind of compassion that comes from experience. I've known for a while now that Elder Oaks was raised by a single Mom from the age of 8 and was the oldest child. When I discovered that I knew why I could relate to him so well, but I didn't know what made me relate to Elder Holland until Saturday.
He started his talk about mental illnesses and their reality. Then he got more specific and spoke about Depression. He listed common groups affected by depression. His last group...Young Fathers. As soon as he said those words I felt so validated. Felt so understood. Felt so unashamed. Then Elder Holland revealed that he too suffered from Depression as a young father.
Maybe I wasn't broken. Maybe I wasn't just weak. Maybe this Depression thing is real. I don't have any recollection of any type of talk like this before now, but I felt like the timing and the talk were for me. I felt like I wasn't banging my head against a wall anymore. I felt so much gratitude to Elder Holland for his courage and for his willingness to share that illness that I had always perceived as a "weakness".
Today
I'm not foolish enough to think I don't have a lot of work still ahead of me. I have a long road ahead. But I am confident I can do it. I feel like when I move my legs...I walk. Not like before, when I just felt like I was doing better until my next meltdown. No, this is different than it has ever felt. Before, I could only feel adequate if I did everything like I knew I should. Now I can already be accepting of the inevitable hiccups ahead, knowing it is all part of the process of becoming who I want to be. Your Mom keeps pointing out things I am doing differently, or times I respond differently. She asks me if I am doing it consciously, and I'm not. I just don't have that voice telling me how inadequate I am, or telling me I should feel guilty.
This morning on the way to work, I talked with Uncle Shane about Depression, and now I'm talking with you guys about it. It isn't something to be ashamed of, and I'm not going to be ashamed of it. I have more courage because of others who weren't afraid to talk about it, and maybe if I talk about it I can help others who are spinning their wheels, or who haven't received that sense of validation yet and just need to know they aren't alone.
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. Ether 12:27
I've discovered that it is okay not to be perfect. It is okay to struggle, and need help and grace and the atonement. Strive for Greatness, Kiddos, and do your best, but enjoy your journey. That includes your lifelong journey towards perfection, no matter what hurdles life puts in your path. Don't worry about your position as much as you worry about your direction. Have faith in Christ and trust his grace.
It can be hard to look into the eyes of your children, and know where they'll be in 10, 20, 30 years. I think the reason it is hard for me is because the options ahead of you are literally limitless. You can do ANYthing. Sports, education, emotional or spiritual growth, occupation...you could do anything. Nothing is out of reach for you. One of the reasons is because at your age, and with the smarts you three have, and the work ethic, you could become whoever you wanted.
At our 10 year anniversary dinner, your Mom and I wrote down who we wanted to be in 10 years, with the hope that we could overcome weaknesses and challenges to become who we wanted, and with a focus on that for ten years we could surely do it!
So let's shift gears to the hypothetical. Let's say that you had been told that when you turned 30 you would inherit an apple orchard. Let's also so that you were told that the apple orchard would be the best apple orchard, and would be your key to success and happiness if you took proper care of it. What would you do between now and then? Maybe learn about apple trees? Pruning? possible tree infections and remedies? Maybe you'd plant a few trees and practice caring for them so you were better prepared? Maybe even study apple market share, or develop relationships with produce purchasers to understand how they make their decisions. You could be come an expert in all things related if you had enough time and enough foresight.
That was the analogy I thought of during the adult session of Stake Conference a few weeks ago. I was listening to a talk and it hit me. At the end of this life, and after the resurrection, you will be a god, and with Carrie by your side, you'll have countless spirit children. You'll have to know how to love them and teach them and respect their agency whether they choose good or evil, whether they love you or hate you. Knowing that, what should you do?
Could I really do that, given enough time and foresight? I know you kids could. I know your Mom could. But could I? And how would knowing that affect what I try to do and who I try to become in this life? I've learned so much from you kids these last 3 years, and while I'm grateful, I also feel bad that you are my "practice trees"; Here to help me learn how to be a good parent. But I think you three and Mom and I agreed before we came down here to Earth that no matter where we were placed on this Earth, we would find each other, and we'd stick with each other, and we'd work together to help all of us overcome our weakness and become our best selves, and return again rejoicing.
That's hard to stay focused on every day, but I know that we have the vision, we have the foresight, and we have the time. So I know we can do it by babystepping along and working each week to be a little better, a little more patient, a little more loving, a little more faithful, prayerful, and kind than the week before.
Dear Kiddos,
Your Mom and I try really hard to be sympathetic when you are afraid of something, but try to encourage you to be brave and overcome those fears. We've never worried about using nightlights, and you kids have always been just fine with the dark, in fact Noah and Yemma, you two often pull a blanket over your head if it isn't dark enough! We've also worked with you kids in an attempt to help you understand your emotions and use words instead of traditional toddler communication via tantrums and screaming....just for YOUR benefit of course ;o)
At some point, after reading Nephi 3:7 with you all, we used the phrase, "Do you have Nephi's courage?". Well, that phrase and "I was so brave!" have been well adopted by you, Caleb, and as Noah and Yemma talk more and more, you two are following suit.
So the other day when Mom was taking you guys out to the car, she wasn't surprised that Caleb said "I will be brave, I will be brave" but she WAS surprised by the timing. She went to the other side of the car to see why you needed to be brave, and to her surprise there was a dead cat on the garage floor! It turns out that the cat had crawled up under the hood the previous night at Grandma and Grandpa's house and likely died on the way home. What I love about the story though, was that when my boy was faced with something unexpected, he didn't stop, or make excuses; He decided to be brave and move forward.
Throughout your lives you'll be faced with new things. Different things. Unexpected things. For some you'll be able to make the decision to be brave, and meet them head on. Others you might need to lean on your Mom and I for added strength. For others still, you'll have to have Nephi's courage; A courage that can only come through faith and prayer. A confidence that comes from knowing your Heavenly Father supports you and has charged angels to go before your face and round about you to bear you up. Regardless of what kind of bravery or courage is required, I hope you'll know you can do it, and that you don't have to do it alone.
Noahroo
I imagine you know this already, but you are one tough kid. You are only two and a half and you are all muscle. Not only are you tough because you are all muscly, but you are tough because you can fall and smack something (and often do) and go right back to playing without skipping a beat. Your Mom and I will just look at each other and wonder how that just happened.
But you can also barely bump something and burst into tears and come running over to us, crying "Kiss it better". Sometimes I've responded with a "you're not hurt" or "be tough!", to which you just your chin out, lower your head and look at me like I'm totally missing the point....because I am.
When you ask me to kiss it better, and I swoop you up, acknowledge that you fell, and give you kiss, you invariably, even when you really smacked yourself, are able to recover and go play. I used to think that was proof that you hadn't really hurt yourself, but now I think it means that listening, sympathizing, and caring are NOT placebo's. I think they actually work to remove pain and encourage us along.
You are young, but you are already a very sympathetic little boy, and clearly full of love. I hope you'll take the time to listen to someone's concerns, even if they seem to you to be insignificant or unnecessary. If they are crying, it is a big deal to them, and you can be the one to listen, sympathize, care, and encourage them to feel better.
Hi there Caleboo!
We had a cool experience today. After church, we put you down for a nap. I really like talking with you and watching as your vocabulary grows so much. I asked you what you learned about in nursery today. For the record, your response, all by itself, was absolutely amazing and showed what a bright little boy you are and how tender your spirit is to truth.
"That Jesus has a body, a physical body. and he has a spiritual one inside"
Really? Did my barely 3 year old just say that? Need I mention your near perfect diction? What a great lesson you learned from your nursery leaders.
So I realized that this was a perfect opportunity to reinforce the lesson and help you recognize the Spirit. Teaching moment! Here's how it was supposed to go, or how I envisioned it going -
Me: "Wow, Caleboo, what a great lesson! How does it make you feel to know that?"
You: "Happy"
Me: "Those happy feelings come from the Spirit telling you what you learned is true"
You: "Thanks Dad, you're an amazing teacher. I've learned so much!"
Then we'd have a big hug, and you'd quietly drift off to sleep
Here's how it actually went -
Me: "Wow, Caleboo, what a great lesson! How does it make you feel to know that?"
You: "Sad"
Me: "uhm, Sad? or Happy?"
You: "Sad"
Me: "It makes you feel sad to think about Jesus like that?"
You: "Yeah"
Me: (Oh no! my teaching moment is unraveling! Mayday, Mayday!....Wait, I wonder why he's saying "sad") "Why does it make you feel sad?"
You: Because he's not here with us.
Here I was thinking about teaching you to feel the spirit, and you were so close to the spirit that you longed to be with Jesus. So, I was right about it being a teaching moment, but it was you doing the teaching :)
Thanks for having such a strong spirit. I love you kiddo.
Love, Daddydoo
