Dual Beings

Hey there my kiddos!  I haven't been writing many letter to you lately.  I've had some special moments that were blogworthy, and I've wanted to record them for you, but honestly, I've just been too selfish. It is a strange feeling when you know you aren't who you need to be, and you focus so much on trying to change, that you completely forget about those around you that you are trying to be good for! Let me explain.

I feel like I have it in me to be a great dad.  There have been times with all three of you that I could see the big picture, and almost intuitively understand what you were thinking and knew what i could do to help.  I've used words and voice tone to help my Caleboo relax when something has upset him.  I've used a big hug turning into a tackle to help my Noahroo feel safe and loved.  I've sung songs and shared kisses with my Yemmalou to calm her down when she's wound up. It is difficult to come up with examples because there is no formula for it.  I feel like it just percolates naturally out of the love I have for each of you, but deep down, I know it is a gift of the Spirit that oozes out of me when I am remembering to love and focusing on others.

I also feel like I can be a horrible dad, not worthy to have such a beautiful perfect-for-me wife and such amazing awesome kids.  I've yelled, and been scary and made you kids wonder what is going on or what you did to cause me to get angry even though it isn't your fault.

So I've been struggling for a while, but with focussed intensity the last couple months, wondering how I could be so bipolar.  Knowing I could be great and feeling exhultant gratitude with those wonderful moments, but being afraid I might be terrible, and then feeling deep depression and remorse when I give in to my weaknesses and shortcomings.  I've wondered who I really am, and I really a good dad who sometimes fails, or a bad dad occasionally disguised as a good one?

Last Sunday morning it seemed obvious to me that I was really a bad dad and I knew I needed to change but didn't feel like it was possible (though deep down I knew it had to be).  I left, knowing I needed to finally change and switch into the good dad for good or I might be stuck as a bad dad. I drove clear to the new Brigham City temple to think and figure it out.  I knew I needed to build on a stronger foundation (Hel 5:12) but the real gem came over the following week.  On the way home from Brigham City I started listening to a book on CD that your Mom got me a few years ago called "Using the atonement in our everyday lives".  Every time I've been driving somewhere in the truck since then I've listened to more.  In that book I found my answer; We are dual beings.

None of this is new doctrine, but it really sank into my heart that we are made up of two parts.  One part is our Spirit, which comes from royal heritage, can feel when something is right and wants to return to live with God.  The other part is a physical mortal body, made of the earth and carnal in nature that is the drive behind the natural man. These two very different parts are fighting to live in one being and learning to live together.  Sometimes the natural man takes over, sometimes the spiritual.
It was so comforting to understand how I could be so nice and want to be so good, yet sometimes be so bad.  Make no mistake, this doesn't justify being bad and making poor choices, but it helped me understand the duality of who I was and help me know how to confront it.  The way we confront it is to put our body in subjection to our spirit.  That's why we fast every month.

It is also important to remember, and this was also of great comfort to me, that we are never "done".  We don't achieve "goodness" and then relax in some spiritual retirement home.  Every day we must fight to keep our body in check by increasing our spiritual strength and understanding.  So that's what I'm going to strive for, for you guys, for your mom, for me, and of course for my Savior who makes it possible for me to repent, and to change, and to have grace to help me improve.