We've had a couple great weekends in a row. The weekend before last we all went ziplining with the Evanses and went fourwheeling at the cabin. This last weekend we shot off rockets in the church parking lot and went camping in the backyard. Some might consider us dumb for involving our 4 year old and two 3 year old in such activities, and maybe we are. The simple truth is that we love being together, so if it is possible to be together, we strive to do it!
We also try hard not to pass our fears onto you kids. We always encourage you to be cautious, but brave, and we try to help you feel what we do...that you you can do ANYthing you set your mind to if you are determined, work hard, and don't make excuses.
This weekend Noah, you made me so proud. We were cleaning up after camping, and you picked up the stack of kid's adirondack chairs and went to put them back on the deck. I could tell they were too heavy for you and jumped up to help you. As I got close I decided to just stay there in case you needed help, but to let you figure it out. You couldn't quite get on the first step, and nearly fell over as you stepped back. You recovered, repositioned the stack, lifted as high as you could and walked forward. the chairs hit the first step, but you maneuvered them onto the second step and got yourself onto the first step. Your attempt to get up the last step caused you to again fall back to the grass and nearly fall down.
Then you turned, and looked at me and said something that just made me nearly tear up. You didn't say "I can't do this". You didn't say "I'm having a hard time". You didn't say "Dad, why aren't you helping me?". You said, with a look of determination on your face, "Dad, will you help me put these on my head?" I was shocked, but decided to let you try it. I helped you get them on your head, winced a couple times when you nearly fell over, then watched you march up the stairs. I took this picture, and then helped you lower the chairs to their final resting place.
I was proud, because you didn't give up. I was proud because you didn't look for excuses. I was proud because you didn't look for a handout, rather you looked for help so that you could do it. It was like watching the Brother of Jared do everything in his power to get light in the boats, and humbly ask his Heavenly Father to help magnify his efforts. You were brave, strong, and humble. What a great combination of attributes!
Not long after we heard screaming from inside as you and your brother and sister ran from a moth that had gotten into our house. You were all scared of the moth, and it is okay to be scared. Even good to be scared sometimes. But then, little man, you went a got a dishcloth (like you've seen me do to take out flies and such) and very tentatively faced your fear
You swung your towel cautiously at the moth, which you barely touched with the towel, and then this happened.
You jumped back as the moth fluttered across the window.
I was proud, because you didn't let yourself be controlled by your fear. I was proud because you looked for way to conquer your fear. I was proud because you didn't look for excuses, rather you looked for a way you could help your family. You were brave, and still careful. What a great combination of attributes!
In one instance you were successful in achieving your goal, in the other you weren't, but in both you showed what a wonderful character you have. I hope you continue to develop those wonderful attributes. You are such a good helper and such a hard worker. You look for ways to help when Mom and I do things. You are strong, AND humble, brave, AND careful, tough, AND sensitive and loving. Thanks for being such a great kid. I love you, son!
Dear Calebooski,
Your mom and l had an epiphany today. You had snuck into our room when you were supposed to be napping. We responded well and as we were discussing it we were taught a new concept. It left a profound impact on me that sent me searching for the best way to convey the idea. My search took me back to learning about ancient Greeks, so here we go :-)
Greek uses two words for time; Chronos and Kairos. Chronos refers to a specific sequence of time (this, then that, then that other thing - you know chronological!). Chronos is very quantitative and measurable and formulaic, so you can predict the outcome more simply. A chronos day is simply 24 hours.
Kairos on the other hand is qualitative and difficult to predict. In fact, the word is also used for weather. Like the weather, Kairos can be partially unpredictable yet still scientific, with general unquantifiable expectations. A kairos day would be like one of the "days" during the creation; more of a moment or period of time than a clear cut day.
To consider Kairos in conversation you must consider more than just time; you must consider time, place, culture, mood, and audience. You must soak it all in to best respond to that specific kairotic moment.
Last week your Mom and I flew to Portland. After landing, your Mom went into the restroom and I sat on a bench to get connected to Wi-fi so I could start the Navigation program on my phone to help us get to Ashland. I heard someone emptying the garbage can next to me but chose to keep doing what I was doing.
As I continued working on my phone I could hear the janitor mumbling about people being on their phones and not knowing what was going on around them. "Excuse me?" , I said. "I'm not talking to you." she declared even though no one else was close by. I chuckled to myself and continued working on my phone. She proceeded to wipe off the tables and mutter about phones and airport patrons.
She struck a nerve in me when she started talking about how spoiled and privileged "they" are and how oblivious and rude "they" are. I stood up and confronted her. I justified my phone usage , explained that I definitely did NOT come from privilege , and how I didn't appreciate how rude she was.
About that "Chronos" time, your Mom came out and I strutted off with her, satisfied that I hadn't sat idly by to be undeservedly abused. As we walked towards the exit I regaled your Mom with my story of heroism, even though I had just taken a kairotic moment and used it to tear someone down.
Each morning we should expect to be encountered with a handful or more kairotic moments that day, and prepare ourselves mentally to deal with them. How will you handle those moments? Will you use them to break down relationships, destroy confidences , and pridefully offend others? Or will you use those special opportunities to build love and trust? uplift and grow? show compassion and inspire?
Thankfully we are children of a God who chooses the latter at those kairotic moments. Thankfully he sees the "Kairos" now in the middle of our "Chronos" now. And thankfully he will sometimes even give us a second chance at a Kairotic moment, like he did with me and the janitor.
A couple minutes later I looked around and realized I was going deeper into the terminal instead of towards the exits. I Mentioned to Your Mom the irony that I was so involved with my phone I was oblivious to where I was walking. We turned around and I was determined in my mind to avoid going near that mean old lady as I sheepishly passed by.
Then I stated to think about how rude I was to her. I started to tear up a little as I talked with your Mom. As I thought about how sad it was that I knew there was another human being a couple feet from me and I didn't even bother to raise my head and say "Hi".
Right at that perfect kairotic moment I looked into a room off to the side to see that "mean old janitor" leaning on her garbage can, sobbing.
With wet but clear eyes and a watch set to "Kairos" time I went towards her, against her demands, and gave her a big long hug. I profusely apologized for my behavior, and then listened as she shared the challenges and stresses she was facing that day and at that time in her life.
I know your Mom and I came out of that moment better than we were before, and I hope she felt loved. Now, I'll ask again, How will you handle the kairotic moments you'll face today? with your family? with your coworker? with the guy in the car next to you? with the janitor you see in the mall's food court?
I think there is a fine line between "airing dirty laundry" or "casting pearls" and the good and learning that can come from being open. I can't control what you or anyone else will think when you read my thoughts, but I can focus on sharing with you the things I learn in hopes it will somehow be valuable to you someday. The things I've written and the lessons I've learned from you kids can also help me, as I discovered today. I was reading "Invisible Hands" and thinking about all the help I've received. I read "Dual Beings" and was reminded of where I was, compared with where I am. I read "Leave yourself at the door" and was reminded of how much it has helped me to have people be open, which encourages me to do the same. I read "I will be Brave" and was infused with the courage needed to write this post.
So thanks, me, for the great advice! :-)
Earlier this year, or maybe last year sometime
Let me start this off by telling you there is no one I know more loyal, forgiving, and faithful than your Mom. She has endured a lot, and never stopped loving me. Take good care of her, or I will haunt you as a dragon in your dreams (If you don't know that reference, ask your Mom or I, or Rob and Reb). Anyway, one day I read a post on depression from a blog on your Mom's computer that sounded a little too familiar to me. Shortly thereafter I talked to your Mom about the articles she'd been reading on Depression. From the confused look I could tell she had no idea what I was talking about, but she had thought of me back when she read that post and wondered if maybe I did have some sort of Depression or something. It seemed possible, but the feelings and challenges didn't always fit with what I understood about Depression. The feelings I had weren't that different than in the post but some were dead ringers. So I worked even harder to try to "break through", like she did.
"I can do hard things" I reminded myself. Fail. "I just have to push myself and I can do it". Fail again. "I just need to man up and be the man I know I'm capable of being". Fail and wonder, "why do I keep failing?". "Stop whining about your perfect life, loving wife, incredible kids, good job, nice house, and functional paid for cars and go be who you know you need to be!" Fail, and realize how horrible I am for failing for no good reason. That was terrible. I was depressed, and didn't even have a good reason, and I knew it. Finding new tools, or coming up with a new meaningful phrase or scripture to focus on was momentarily motivating, but in actuality, like the post says, "...trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn't going to work."
Two and a half months ago
In spite of my efforts I kept "failing". I felt broken. I would tell myself that I just wasn't doing everything in my power. I must just be missing this piece, or that piece, or forgetting that helpful tool, and I just needed to combine everything and THEN i'd be okay. The conflict from the "Dual Beings" nature was too much for me because I eventually realized I couldn't wait for the perfect storm of rightness that would propel me to being good because at any hiccup I'd fall from the pedestal again. I felt like I was becoming weaker and weaker ad worse and worse and giving in to being a bad husband and father with more frequency even though I was trying harder than ever to be the Dad and Husband I've always tried to be. I just felt like I was spinning my wheels.
I have notebooks filled with motivational tools and moments of inspiration and lessons, that all have meaning to me. I have countless hours of discussion and brainstorming with your Mom analyzing childhood, communication, parenthood, relationships, and pretty much everything else. I have a huge mirror in the bathroom with various reminders written on it. I have the faces of a lovely wife and three beautiful kids whom I love so dearly. I have a Willow Tree figurine I gave your Mom with a promise that I would never give up. But I still wasn't who I needed to be and knew I could be. Not even close. I even started questioning if I was getting any better. I'd get frustrated for no good reason. I'd beat myself up for not being who I knew I could be. So I called a therapist and set up an appointment because I didn't know what else to try, and I refused to give up even if I had to do something uncomfortable like, ask for professional help (gasp).
About three weeks ago
For 8 weeks your Mom and I got up early and went to see my therapist. Frankly, it was quite easy because I wasn't trying to hide anything, and I wanted help. Everything he wanted to know was at the forefront of our minds already. Everything he wanted to discuss was something we had already discussed, so we progressed rapidly. He was good at listening and adding pointers or tools or angles that were new to us and we were anxious to try anything he wanted us to try. They all worked...sometimes. Just like everything else. One day when I was talking about it being hard for me to feel God's love, the therapist told me he was still convinced I suffered from Depression, but he didn't think I could overcome it no matter how hard i tried without medication. It deflated me. I didn't want to rely on medication, even if I'd probably only need it for 6-12 months. He said he understood my position because he, too, was an independent, hard worker who didn't like to make excuses and thought he could do anything if he just tried hard enough. He said that he had reached a point in his life where he too had to finally admit to himself that trying harder wasn't the answer. He'd tried all the tools, and he knew all the tools. He'd tried forcing himself to be right. He said that he started taking a medication and then started noticing that his efforts started to "stick", and he encouraged me to see my doctor and get a prescription. I wasn't surprised, but I had still held on to the hope that with the help of the therapist I could brute force myself to be better. I worried about taking medication to "alter my brain" even though it was tauted as being analogous to vitamins.
About two weeks ago
When I made the decision to see a therapist I had already made the decision in my mind that if I needed to take medication that I would if it is what helped. It wasn't easy or fun, but I went to the doctor and shared my situation. He agreed with the diagnosis and gave me a prescription for Prozac.
Last Sunday
I started taking half doses as recommended and after a few days of that moved to full doses. I was worried that I might sub consciously try to "make the medicine work" as though it was a placebo, which would indicate that I had the power within all along. I was also worried that i might subconsciously "keep the medicine from working". I worried it wouldn't work and I'd have to try something else. I worried that medicine wasn't even enough to help me.
Last Friday
I sat down on my bed at the end of the day to discuss the day with your Mom. As I started talking about how i was feeling I paused, and looked back over the day in my mind. Then I looked back over the past week. Then, while Mom looked at me quizically, I compared that day and week with every similar day and week I could think of in the past few years. It wasn't until that very moment that I realized I didn't feel any different. I wasn't changed. The world wasn't rose tinted. I was doing the same things, and so was everyone around me. BUT, it was then that I also realized that at that moment I felt like I would after a day where things had gone pretty well. Not after a day and week where I was sick and hadn't done much, and had struggled. I thought about how something might get to me, and I'd discuss it with your Mom, but even when things were resolved, or I understood the situation, the feeling would often stay. But at that moment, I realized that several times already that week, the feeling didn't stick. I could resolve it and move on. I was scared that this might be a fluke, but I was also so excited that maybe the medication was actually helping...already! I felt like my work was paying off. I felt like my legs were back under me and if I tried, I'd be able to see a difference. But the best thing was, that I wasn't doing anything special, and I also still felt like me. It was a wonderful realization and a moment I hope not to forget.
Last Saturday
I sat down to watch conference and in the afternoon session, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland got up to speak. Is it okay to have a favorite apostle? I hope so, because I'd say that he and Elder Oaks are my favorites. I have always seemed to relate really well to their stories and the way they speak. It is no nonsense, bold, but loving and compassionate. The kind of compassion that comes from experience. I've known for a while now that Elder Oaks was raised by a single Mom from the age of 8 and was the oldest child. When I discovered that I knew why I could relate to him so well, but I didn't know what made me relate to Elder Holland until Saturday.
He started his talk about mental illnesses and their reality. Then he got more specific and spoke about Depression. He listed common groups affected by depression. His last group...Young Fathers. As soon as he said those words I felt so validated. Felt so understood. Felt so unashamed. Then Elder Holland revealed that he too suffered from Depression as a young father.
Maybe I wasn't broken. Maybe I wasn't just weak. Maybe this Depression thing is real. I don't have any recollection of any type of talk like this before now, but I felt like the timing and the talk were for me. I felt like I wasn't banging my head against a wall anymore. I felt so much gratitude to Elder Holland for his courage and for his willingness to share that illness that I had always perceived as a "weakness".
Today
I'm not foolish enough to think I don't have a lot of work still ahead of me. I have a long road ahead. But I am confident I can do it. I feel like when I move my legs...I walk. Not like before, when I just felt like I was doing better until my next meltdown. No, this is different than it has ever felt. Before, I could only feel adequate if I did everything like I knew I should. Now I can already be accepting of the inevitable hiccups ahead, knowing it is all part of the process of becoming who I want to be. Your Mom keeps pointing out things I am doing differently, or times I respond differently. She asks me if I am doing it consciously, and I'm not. I just don't have that voice telling me how inadequate I am, or telling me I should feel guilty.
This morning on the way to work, I talked with Uncle Shane about Depression, and now I'm talking with you guys about it. It isn't something to be ashamed of, and I'm not going to be ashamed of it. I have more courage because of others who weren't afraid to talk about it, and maybe if I talk about it I can help others who are spinning their wheels, or who haven't received that sense of validation yet and just need to know they aren't alone.
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. Ether 12:27
I've discovered that it is okay not to be perfect. It is okay to struggle, and need help and grace and the atonement. Strive for Greatness, Kiddos, and do your best, but enjoy your journey. That includes your lifelong journey towards perfection, no matter what hurdles life puts in your path. Don't worry about your position as much as you worry about your direction. Have faith in Christ and trust his grace.
It can be hard to look into the eyes of your children, and know where they'll be in 10, 20, 30 years. I think the reason it is hard for me is because the options ahead of you are literally limitless. You can do ANYthing. Sports, education, emotional or spiritual growth, occupation...you could do anything. Nothing is out of reach for you. One of the reasons is because at your age, and with the smarts you three have, and the work ethic, you could become whoever you wanted.
At our 10 year anniversary dinner, your Mom and I wrote down who we wanted to be in 10 years, with the hope that we could overcome weaknesses and challenges to become who we wanted, and with a focus on that for ten years we could surely do it!
So let's shift gears to the hypothetical. Let's say that you had been told that when you turned 30 you would inherit an apple orchard. Let's also so that you were told that the apple orchard would be the best apple orchard, and would be your key to success and happiness if you took proper care of it. What would you do between now and then? Maybe learn about apple trees? Pruning? possible tree infections and remedies? Maybe you'd plant a few trees and practice caring for them so you were better prepared? Maybe even study apple market share, or develop relationships with produce purchasers to understand how they make their decisions. You could be come an expert in all things related if you had enough time and enough foresight.
That was the analogy I thought of during the adult session of Stake Conference a few weeks ago. I was listening to a talk and it hit me. At the end of this life, and after the resurrection, you will be a god, and with Carrie by your side, you'll have countless spirit children. You'll have to know how to love them and teach them and respect their agency whether they choose good or evil, whether they love you or hate you. Knowing that, what should you do?
Could I really do that, given enough time and foresight? I know you kids could. I know your Mom could. But could I? And how would knowing that affect what I try to do and who I try to become in this life? I've learned so much from you kids these last 3 years, and while I'm grateful, I also feel bad that you are my "practice trees"; Here to help me learn how to be a good parent. But I think you three and Mom and I agreed before we came down here to Earth that no matter where we were placed on this Earth, we would find each other, and we'd stick with each other, and we'd work together to help all of us overcome our weakness and become our best selves, and return again rejoicing.
That's hard to stay focused on every day, but I know that we have the vision, we have the foresight, and we have the time. So I know we can do it by babystepping along and working each week to be a little better, a little more patient, a little more loving, a little more faithful, prayerful, and kind than the week before.
Dear Kiddos,
Your Mom and I try really hard to be sympathetic when you are afraid of something, but try to encourage you to be brave and overcome those fears. We've never worried about using nightlights, and you kids have always been just fine with the dark, in fact Noah and Yemma, you two often pull a blanket over your head if it isn't dark enough! We've also worked with you kids in an attempt to help you understand your emotions and use words instead of traditional toddler communication via tantrums and screaming....just for YOUR benefit of course ;o)
At some point, after reading Nephi 3:7 with you all, we used the phrase, "Do you have Nephi's courage?". Well, that phrase and "I was so brave!" have been well adopted by you, Caleb, and as Noah and Yemma talk more and more, you two are following suit.
So the other day when Mom was taking you guys out to the car, she wasn't surprised that Caleb said "I will be brave, I will be brave" but she WAS surprised by the timing. She went to the other side of the car to see why you needed to be brave, and to her surprise there was a dead cat on the garage floor! It turns out that the cat had crawled up under the hood the previous night at Grandma and Grandpa's house and likely died on the way home. What I love about the story though, was that when my boy was faced with something unexpected, he didn't stop, or make excuses; He decided to be brave and move forward.
Throughout your lives you'll be faced with new things. Different things. Unexpected things. For some you'll be able to make the decision to be brave, and meet them head on. Others you might need to lean on your Mom and I for added strength. For others still, you'll have to have Nephi's courage; A courage that can only come through faith and prayer. A confidence that comes from knowing your Heavenly Father supports you and has charged angels to go before your face and round about you to bear you up. Regardless of what kind of bravery or courage is required, I hope you'll know you can do it, and that you don't have to do it alone.
Noahroo
I imagine you know this already, but you are one tough kid. You are only two and a half and you are all muscle. Not only are you tough because you are all muscly, but you are tough because you can fall and smack something (and often do) and go right back to playing without skipping a beat. Your Mom and I will just look at each other and wonder how that just happened.
But you can also barely bump something and burst into tears and come running over to us, crying "Kiss it better". Sometimes I've responded with a "you're not hurt" or "be tough!", to which you just your chin out, lower your head and look at me like I'm totally missing the point....because I am.
When you ask me to kiss it better, and I swoop you up, acknowledge that you fell, and give you kiss, you invariably, even when you really smacked yourself, are able to recover and go play. I used to think that was proof that you hadn't really hurt yourself, but now I think it means that listening, sympathizing, and caring are NOT placebo's. I think they actually work to remove pain and encourage us along.
You are young, but you are already a very sympathetic little boy, and clearly full of love. I hope you'll take the time to listen to someone's concerns, even if they seem to you to be insignificant or unnecessary. If they are crying, it is a big deal to them, and you can be the one to listen, sympathize, care, and encourage them to feel better.
Hi there Caleboo!
We had a cool experience today. After church, we put you down for a nap. I really like talking with you and watching as your vocabulary grows so much. I asked you what you learned about in nursery today. For the record, your response, all by itself, was absolutely amazing and showed what a bright little boy you are and how tender your spirit is to truth.
"That Jesus has a body, a physical body. and he has a spiritual one inside"
Really? Did my barely 3 year old just say that? Need I mention your near perfect diction? What a great lesson you learned from your nursery leaders.
So I realized that this was a perfect opportunity to reinforce the lesson and help you recognize the Spirit. Teaching moment! Here's how it was supposed to go, or how I envisioned it going -
Me: "Wow, Caleboo, what a great lesson! How does it make you feel to know that?"
You: "Happy"
Me: "Those happy feelings come from the Spirit telling you what you learned is true"
You: "Thanks Dad, you're an amazing teacher. I've learned so much!"
Then we'd have a big hug, and you'd quietly drift off to sleep
Here's how it actually went -
Me: "Wow, Caleboo, what a great lesson! How does it make you feel to know that?"
You: "Sad"
Me: "uhm, Sad? or Happy?"
You: "Sad"
Me: "It makes you feel sad to think about Jesus like that?"
You: "Yeah"
Me: (Oh no! my teaching moment is unraveling! Mayday, Mayday!....Wait, I wonder why he's saying "sad") "Why does it make you feel sad?"
You: Because he's not here with us.
Here I was thinking about teaching you to feel the spirit, and you were so close to the spirit that you longed to be with Jesus. So, I was right about it being a teaching moment, but it was you doing the teaching :)
Thanks for having such a strong spirit. I love you kiddo.
Love, Daddydoo
Before I get started I just want to say that your Mom made your hair look sooo cute today. It framed your pretty face and girly features so well and you were just adorable.
Now, to start off, let me remind you of how you like to sleep. You are a master mimicker or you and Noah are just kindred spirits, because you both like to sleep on your knees....that's right. and I don't mean while praying, or at least i'm not aware that's what you are doing before you fall to sleep. Imagine sleeping on your stomach and then tucking your legs underneath you, and that's how you and Noah sleep. When you are congested and have a cold it just sounds so sad, and you do NOT like to sleep on your back!
You and Noah are also great sleepers. Caleb was too until he got a little older, so we'll see what happens with you two. Here's where you and Noah are opposites in sleeping. When Noah sleeps, you can't even see him. He's usually under a couple blankets, and a pillow, smothered into the darkest corner of his bed he can find. You on the other hand are often sleeping on top of your blankets out in the middle of the mattress. No matter how cold it might be, or how warm your pajamas are, or how we leave you when we put you to bed, that's how you end up.
Maybe I've been partially responsible for your sleep habits. If I just let you freeze a few night's maybe you'd learn to keep your blankets on....but I don't. I sneak in after you've fallen asleep and cover you up. Last night as I snuck in right before going to bed myself, I covered you, and then thought about how you'd never know I did that for you night after night. I thought about how you might be dreaming of walking through the tundra without a coat, and then your dream would shift to snuggling into a blanket by the fire as you warmed up, and you wouldn't even know why, you'd just feel happier, and comforted and hopefully, loved.
Now make no mistake, I'm definitely not claiming to be a great Dad. I have my faults, and weaknesses that I'm trying to improve. But in the quiet of the night, looking down at my little 20 month old girl, covering her up and whispering, "I love you, babygirl", I feel like a good Dad. and it brings me joy to know there are things I can do to be there for you and let you know I love you.
Now, I didn't write this letter to herald my great deeds, nor did I write it to make sure you knew what i did for you. I wrote it for three reasons:
1) There are invisible hands that touch our lives all the time. People who love us so much, that make our life better with or without us even knowing it. People close to us who share love, or sacrifice for us. A loving Father in Heaven imparting his love. Yet-to-be-born children, or a brother or uncle who've already passed away working anonymously for our benefit. That feeling you have right now...that's the Spirit testifying truth. Another invisible hand building testimony, and helping you feel the love your family and your Father in Heaven have for you.
2) Do your best to recognize when someone around you tries to help you, and be grateful. Sometimes it isn't the best help, sometimes it isn't something you asked for, and sometimes it can be a profound experience on your life, but be grateful.
3) There is an indescribable joy that can be felt when serving others. Sacrificing your own comforts or desires to lift others. Sometimes silently, sometimes not so much, but look for those opportunities. Think of others and their situations and don't be afraid to reach out to them. Give of yourself, and I promise you'll find joy in being those invisible hands, even if it is simply helping your sweet little angel be a little warmer at night.
Dear Caleboo,
The other night your Mom and I sat down to relax at the end of a fairly long day. We were tired and anxious for a break from the days stresses. About 5 minutes into it you called out from your room for us and I came in to see how you were doing and get you all tucked in again. We said "I love you" again and you settled in and I went back to be with your Mom. A few minutes later we were all settled in and comfortable again and you called out again. This time your Mom went in to see what you needed.
I was a little frustrated that our nice night kept being interrupted and imagined what I'd do if you called out a third time. As I thought about that I thought that if you kept calling out, you probably just wanted a little more attention than we were giving you. I thought about times I have a hard time falling asleep, and how grateful I am when your Mom stays up longer than she could reasonably be expected to, just to try to help me go to sleep. I thought of how that makes me feel loved and important, and I decided that if you called out a third time, I was going to do that for you.
Mom came back and we got settled in to enjoy our evening again. Sure enough, a couple minutes later came the call from our Caleboo who's "blanket isn't working". I started to feel upset, and then reminded myself of how you might be feeling. I told your Mom I'd take care of it and as I walked out I voiced out loud "leave yourself at the door, Dad". The reason I said that is because I was also thinking of how I was going to make sure I let you know that you were making my night hard, and you needed to learn to be respectful of other's time. I knew I couldn't really make you feel loved and important, if I was focused more on myself, so I had to choose.
As I left the room and entered your room, I committed to leave behind my selfish desires and just focus on you. As I did that I was filled with the love I feel for you. I walked in, gave you a big hug, and asked if you wanted to sit with me. I barely finished the sentence before you had grabbed a blanket to come cuddle with. You climbed up onto my lap as I sat in the bean bag chair and just let me hold you. We sang "Give said the little stream" and "Teach me to walk in the light" together and just sat there enjoying being together. I was probably only in there for 10 or 15 minutes, but I think we both felt so much better afterwords. You went to sleep without another word, and your Mom and I were still able to enjoy our night, even if it wasn't how we'd initially envisioned it going.
I think a lot of our relationships in life could be improved if we just tried more often to leave ourselves at the door.
Love,
Daddydoo
Hey there my kiddos! I haven't been writing many letter to you lately. I've had some special moments that were blogworthy, and I've wanted to record them for you, but honestly, I've just been too selfish. It is a strange feeling when you know you aren't who you need to be, and you focus so much on trying to change, that you completely forget about those around you that you are trying to be good for! Let me explain.
I feel like I have it in me to be a great dad. There have been times with all three of you that I could see the big picture, and almost intuitively understand what you were thinking and knew what i could do to help. I've used words and voice tone to help my Caleboo relax when something has upset him. I've used a big hug turning into a tackle to help my Noahroo feel safe and loved. I've sung songs and shared kisses with my Yemmalou to calm her down when she's wound up. It is difficult to come up with examples because there is no formula for it. I feel like it just percolates naturally out of the love I have for each of you, but deep down, I know it is a gift of the Spirit that oozes out of me when I am remembering to love and focusing on others.
I also feel like I can be a horrible dad, not worthy to have such a beautiful perfect-for-me wife and such amazing awesome kids. I've yelled, and been scary and made you kids wonder what is going on or what you did to cause me to get angry even though it isn't your fault.
So I've been struggling for a while, but with focussed intensity the last couple months, wondering how I could be so bipolar. Knowing I could be great and feeling exhultant gratitude with those wonderful moments, but being afraid I might be terrible, and then feeling deep depression and remorse when I give in to my weaknesses and shortcomings. I've wondered who I really am, and I really a good dad who sometimes fails, or a bad dad occasionally disguised as a good one?
Last Sunday morning it seemed obvious to me that I was really a bad dad and I knew I needed to change but didn't feel like it was possible (though deep down I knew it had to be). I left, knowing I needed to finally change and switch into the good dad for good or I might be stuck as a bad dad. I drove clear to the new Brigham City temple to think and figure it out. I knew I needed to build on a stronger foundation (Hel 5:12) but the real gem came over the following week. On the way home from Brigham City I started listening to a book on CD that your Mom got me a few years ago called "Using the atonement in our everyday lives". Every time I've been driving somewhere in the truck since then I've listened to more. In that book I found my answer; We are dual beings.
None of this is new doctrine, but it really sank into my heart that we are made up of two parts. One part is our Spirit, which comes from royal heritage, can feel when something is right and wants to return to live with God. The other part is a physical mortal body, made of the earth and carnal in nature that is the drive behind the natural man. These two very different parts are fighting to live in one being and learning to live together. Sometimes the natural man takes over, sometimes the spiritual.
It was so comforting to understand how I could be so nice and want to be so good, yet sometimes be so bad. Make no mistake, this doesn't justify being bad and making poor choices, but it helped me understand the duality of who I was and help me know how to confront it. The way we confront it is to put our body in subjection to our spirit. That's why we fast every month.
It is also important to remember, and this was also of great comfort to me, that we are never "done". We don't achieve "goodness" and then relax in some spiritual retirement home. Every day we must fight to keep our body in check by increasing our spiritual strength and understanding. So that's what I'm going to strive for, for you guys, for your mom, for me, and of course for my Savior who makes it possible for me to repent, and to change, and to have grace to help me improve.
Hey there Noahroo,
I just started my new job at Great Basin Scientific. So far I love it. I feel useful and I think I'll be able to do a good job there. I also have my own office for the first time in my career and it has been so nice. I'm getting everything set up and organized to help me focus and work hard when I'm at work. I was talking with the IT guy and getting my e-mail and everything set up early on. While talking with him on the phone he asked, "How do you spell your name?"
Easy question! Z_a_c_k_e_r_y
I waited 5 minutes as requested and then logged in to my new account ...which was assigned the uncomfortable spelling of Z_a_c_h_e_r_y.
I've always liked how my name was spelled simply and phoenetically. I even like the way the letters are shaped. So confident was I in the spelling that I refer to those "fake Zacks" as Zatch because the spelling of Zachary seems ludicrous to me. Where else does char make a "ker" sound? Not "care" like character, but "ker" like, you know, Zackery? (That's right, Carrie, I've moved on from the cha in mechanical ;o) )
I found out in the recent months that apparently some nurse cornered my Dad in the hospital and asked how to spell his new baby boy's name. He gave the spelling and apparently has felt guilt over these years because he didn't know how to spell it then and I've been suffering thorough life with a mediocre name spelling. He asked if it has caused me much trouble. "Sure, but I take pride in it!"
I'm never tempted to buy the "personalized" gimmick gifts anywhere because they all spell Zackery incorrectly! No one ever pronounces my name wrong because it is so obvious how it should be. Oh, and I have e-mail addresses at hotmail, yahoo and gmail with my name spelled corectly, which wouldn't have been possible without a 16243 or something after my name if it was Zachary. It never really bothers me when people spell my name wrong, which happens all the time, but I like pointing it out from time to time. It is also a good reminder to me to pay attention to the details because you can make someone feel good or worthless with a simple thing like knowing their name, or spelling it correctly in an e-mail, or mentioning something they did well.
I, of course, had to call the IT guy back and get him to correct the spelling on my account (which I had to do at Idaho Technology as well, for the record). But I think it bothered me a little bit that this IT guy spelled it wrong. I think it was because his question gave the impression that he was cared, and wanted to spelling my name correctly. Then, in the space of less than 5 minutes he spelled it incorrectly. Maybe it was because I had the false expectation that my name would then be spelled right, or maybe it was because I knew I had to call and correct him, and I wanted to just move forward. Who knows.
I've thought about him spelling my name wrong a couple times since then. I've come to the following conclusions
- That he indeed DOES care about spelling peoples name correctly
- That he is an individual with average to above average intelligence
- That he have average to above average hearing and comprehension skills
- That he is a Native English speaker
- That I am a native English speaker with average to above average communication skills
- That my speech was clear and strait-forward
- That neither of us was under the influence of alcohol or drugs
- That the phone line was clear and static free
Given all of that how could the miscommunication have occurred? I've assigned it to something I'm going to call confident questioning.
I believe Confident questioning occurs all the time in communication and that it is a detriment to communication. I'm defining Confident Questioning as someone asking a question, even though they have a high percentage confidence that they know what the answer will be. Here's an example. If I ask the question "Noah, would you like this ice cream cone?" I'm pretty much just being polite, or maybe even teasing, because I'm 99% sure that you are about 30 seconds away from looking like this...
The IT guy, in my opinion, asked me how to spell my name, but was pretty much already writing it instead of listening to me. It can be very dangerous to ask a question without being prepared to actually listen to the answer. Several years ago I got upset with someone who asked my opinion about something and then got upset because my opinion didn't agree with theirs.
So I'd counsel you to really listen to people. Ask questions, but more importantly, be open to answers. You never know when you'll learn something new, or understand someone a little bit better, or even just make a new guy feel happy that you spelled his awesome name right.
Which is why I definitely wouldn't decide to leave my stable job in the middle of a challenging economy shortly after bringing home my third child. That would just be....silly.
Well, that's what I did. Work hasn't been terrible, but I just wasn't feeling right anymore. I can't think of any other way to put it. That sure made my interviews challenging when the interviewer would ask why I was leaving Idaho Technology.
"uhm, personality differences?"
I won't pretend like everything was perfect. There were some issues, but it was just time to move on, and it felt right. And I couldn't have guessed how right it was. I updated my resume and started applying for job openings on the 4th of July. By the end of the month I already had had interviews for 6 different openings, and had 4 offers in hand. All four offers were in positions and with companies that I was pretty excited about. All four offered a pay raise. Two of the four had a better commute, and the other two were an easier commute even though it was about 5 minutes further. I racked my brain for what seemed like weeks (even though it was just from Thursday night to Tuesday morning). I talked about it with Carrie with every spare moment we had. Wrote down pros and cons. What a blessing it was to have multiple job offers so quickly! I'd have been thrilled with any one of them, but how was I supposed to decide between them? We had prayed for help, but we were trying to "study it out in our minds" until we decided on one for which we could pray for confirmation.
Eventually (Monday night) we eliminated one of the positions, leaving three. I kept vacillating on them and struggled to find one I could say yes to and feel comfortable with. Mom was watching and listening and made a keen observation.
"It seems that you like Merit because it is SAFE, you WANT to choose Bridgewater, but you feel like you SHOULD go with Great Basin"
She was right (as usual). I had felt for a while that I was supposed to go to Great Basin, but there were things the other companies offered, that I didn't want to let go of. There were also some risks with Great Basin, even though I wanted to work there too.
In the end, of course, we prayed about going with Great Basin Scientific, and got confirmation that it was the right choice. My patriarchal blessing helped a lot as it reminded me to "remember the will of the Lord. Follow it". Did I want my own will over the Lord's? Was it possible that I knew the best fit for me? Could it be that i didn't trust the Lord, and therefore wanted to be safe? Of course not. It just took a little while to stop being blinded by my own eyes. I was searching for what I wanted and spent hours on hours going back and forth. On Tuesday morning I searched for God's will, and in a matter of minutes felt that peace that comes from making the right decision. I start next Monday. I don't expect it to be easy, but I expect it to be what is best for me and my family if I try hard and do my best.
Don't ever let your own logic overpower the prompting of the Spirit, and don't ever let what you think you want overpower your willingness to follow God's will, for therein lies true happiness.
Saturday, July 14th of this year was a pretty special day to me. Not only was it the day that our baby girl was sealed to us, but it was the day that I got to be in a sealing room with my little family. ALL my family (as far as I know). For the first time I felt complete. That moment was the exclamation point at the end of this long and wonderful adoption phase.
Yemma, you were absolutely beautiful. Your dress fit perfectly and you were just so adorable. You had a couple of hairpins that Mom made for you from the goofy hat that came with your dress. you were an angel throughout the ceremony and gave a resounding AMEN at the conclusion that brought a chuckle from everyone in the room.
And my little men....SO handsome! You were both quite aware of what was going on. I hope you are able to retain some of that wonderful memory. Caleb, you recognized my hat, and asked if you could have one too. I explained that it was Daddy's special hat for the temple, and you seemed satisfied with that as a response and continued around the room greeting all of your favorite people. Noah you are also becoming more friendly and seemed in your element that day, happy to soak up the love of your close family and friends.
The next week, while I was working at Idaho Technology, I got the following picture sent to me from your Mom.
Apparently, Mom caught my Calebooski trying to put on my white shirt and tie. She couldn't resist, so she helped you get it all on. As you can tell from the picture, you were quite pleased with yourself. This would be a pretty good story all by itself, but you weren't done just looking like Daddy. You then told Mom that you were going to go to the temple to be married "with a special hat".
I was impressed with your resolve and happy with the direction your 2 year old life was headed, but I also felt an increased weight. I was reminded of how important my decision are and how you may try to be like me, for better AND for worse. So now I will try to increase MY resolve, and shore up my weaknesses, and try to be a good example for you and your siblings. I love you three so much! Love, Daddydoo
What?
This blog is a collection of lessons I've learned that I'd want my kids to know in hopes of helping them navigate through life with fewer "hard knocks". It includes my advice to them about a variety of topics. These lessons and advice will generally take the form of letters.
Why?
A while ago Elder Henry B. Eyring, 2nd counselor in The First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, gave a conference talk and talked about the importance of recording lessons for our children. He said, "I was supposed to record for my children to read, someday in the future, how I had seen the hand of God blessing our family". He wrote daily how he had seen those blessings. About 27 months after this talk was given I was getting ready for bed, with my sweet baby boy softly sleeping in his crib. We had been home with him for nearly a month. That day in church there was a lesson about David and how he used his free time tending sheep to ponder and receive inspiration from the Lord. As I sat there pondering what the Lord would have me do I remembered Elder Eyring's talk and started a letter book for Caleb.
Where?
I have a journal for each of my three kids that I use to write important lessons, especially ones pertaining to them or learned from them. There have multiple times I wanted to take one or more journals with me to write in during any free time I had, but I've been so nervous about losing them that I wouldn't take them and would inevitably forget the lesson. I've also realized that there are multiple lessons I'd want all my kids to have, not just the ones in their journal. Hence the reason that now, 2.5 years later, I'm starting a blog for those lessons. I realize that makes some very personal experiences open to the public but my prayer is that these lessons might be helpful to others, not just my own kids, to improve and inspire and uplift and not used as a tool for judging me or my kids. I'm casting some pearls out, so don't trample on them! I can type faster than I can write, the lessons will be able to be saved, and I'll no longer have to walk the line between having the journals handy to write in often and in my fire safe to help protect them. Plus I can type them up from anywhere without fear of losing everything.
Now what?
Initially I suspect that there will be a mixture of new entries and recording of old entries, but it'll all get sorted out sooner or later. Kiddos, I love you all, and I am so grateful for the many lessons I learn through you. Watching you and our relationship together helps me understand my own relationship with my heavenly Father. I hope that together we can create a database of learning for you, for your children, and for future generations to build on. Family Scriptures, if you will.
Here we go!
