Saturday, November 3, 2012
Dual Beings
Hey there my kiddos! I haven't been writing many letter to you lately. I've had some special moments that were blogworthy, and I've wanted to record them for you, but honestly, I've just been too selfish. It is a strange feeling when you know you aren't who you need to be, and you focus so much on trying to change, that you completely forget about those around you that you are trying to be good for! Let me explain.
I feel like I have it in me to be a great dad. There have been times with all three of you that I could see the big picture, and almost intuitively understand what you were thinking and knew what i could do to help. I've used words and voice tone to help my Caleboo relax when something has upset him. I've used a big hug turning into a tackle to help my Noahroo feel safe and loved. I've sung songs and shared kisses with my Yemmalou to calm her down when she's wound up. It is difficult to come up with examples because there is no formula for it. I feel like it just percolates naturally out of the love I have for each of you, but deep down, I know it is a gift of the Spirit that oozes out of me when I am remembering to love and focusing on others.
I also feel like I can be a horrible dad, not worthy to have such a beautiful perfect-for-me wife and such amazing awesome kids. I've yelled, and been scary and made you kids wonder what is going on or what you did to cause me to get angry even though it isn't your fault.
So I've been struggling for a while, but with focussed intensity the last couple months, wondering how I could be so bipolar. Knowing I could be great and feeling exhultant gratitude with those wonderful moments, but being afraid I might be terrible, and then feeling deep depression and remorse when I give in to my weaknesses and shortcomings. I've wondered who I really am, and I really a good dad who sometimes fails, or a bad dad occasionally disguised as a good one?
Last Sunday morning it seemed obvious to me that I was really a bad dad and I knew I needed to change but didn't feel like it was possible (though deep down I knew it had to be). I left, knowing I needed to finally change and switch into the good dad for good or I might be stuck as a bad dad. I drove clear to the new Brigham City temple to think and figure it out. I knew I needed to build on a stronger foundation (Hel 5:12) but the real gem came over the following week. On the way home from Brigham City I started listening to a book on CD that your Mom got me a few years ago called "Using the atonement in our everyday lives". Every time I've been driving somewhere in the truck since then I've listened to more. In that book I found my answer; We are dual beings.
None of this is new doctrine, but it really sank into my heart that we are made up of two parts. One part is our Spirit, which comes from royal heritage, can feel when something is right and wants to return to live with God. The other part is a physical mortal body, made of the earth and carnal in nature that is the drive behind the natural man. These two very different parts are fighting to live in one being and learning to live together. Sometimes the natural man takes over, sometimes the spiritual.
It was so comforting to understand how I could be so nice and want to be so good, yet sometimes be so bad. Make no mistake, this doesn't justify being bad and making poor choices, but it helped me understand the duality of who I was and help me know how to confront it. The way we confront it is to put our body in subjection to our spirit. That's why we fast every month.
It is also important to remember, and this was also of great comfort to me, that we are never "done". We don't achieve "goodness" and then relax in some spiritual retirement home. Every day we must fight to keep our body in check by increasing our spiritual strength and understanding. So that's what I'm going to strive for, for you guys, for your mom, for me, and of course for my Savior who makes it possible for me to repent, and to change, and to have grace to help me improve.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Confident Questioning
Hey there Noahroo,
I just started my new job at Great Basin Scientific. So far I love it. I feel useful and I think I'll be able to do a good job there. I also have my own office for the first time in my career and it has been so nice. I'm getting everything set up and organized to help me focus and work hard when I'm at work. I was talking with the IT guy and getting my e-mail and everything set up early on. While talking with him on the phone he asked, "How do you spell your name?"
Easy question! Z_a_c_k_e_r_y
I waited 5 minutes as requested and then logged in to my new account ...which was assigned the uncomfortable spelling of Z_a_c_h_e_r_y.
I've always liked how my name was spelled simply and phoenetically. I even like the way the letters are shaped. So confident was I in the spelling that I refer to those "fake Zacks" as Zatch because the spelling of Zachary seems ludicrous to me. Where else does char make a "ker" sound? Not "care" like character, but "ker" like, you know, Zackery? (That's right, Carrie, I've moved on from the cha in mechanical ;o) )
I found out in the recent months that apparently some nurse cornered my Dad in the hospital and asked how to spell his new baby boy's name. He gave the spelling and apparently has felt guilt over these years because he didn't know how to spell it then and I've been suffering thorough life with a mediocre name spelling. He asked if it has caused me much trouble. "Sure, but I take pride in it!"
I'm never tempted to buy the "personalized" gimmick gifts anywhere because they all spell Zackery incorrectly! No one ever pronounces my name wrong because it is so obvious how it should be. Oh, and I have e-mail addresses at hotmail, yahoo and gmail with my name spelled corectly, which wouldn't have been possible without a 16243 or something after my name if it was Zachary. It never really bothers me when people spell my name wrong, which happens all the time, but I like pointing it out from time to time. It is also a good reminder to me to pay attention to the details because you can make someone feel good or worthless with a simple thing like knowing their name, or spelling it correctly in an e-mail, or mentioning something they did well.
I, of course, had to call the IT guy back and get him to correct the spelling on my account (which I had to do at Idaho Technology as well, for the record). But I think it bothered me a little bit that this IT guy spelled it wrong. I think it was because his question gave the impression that he was cared, and wanted to spelling my name correctly. Then, in the space of less than 5 minutes he spelled it incorrectly. Maybe it was because I had the false expectation that my name would then be spelled right, or maybe it was because I knew I had to call and correct him, and I wanted to just move forward. Who knows.
I've thought about him spelling my name wrong a couple times since then. I've come to the following conclusions
- That he indeed DOES care about spelling peoples name correctly
- That he is an individual with average to above average intelligence
- That he have average to above average hearing and comprehension skills
- That he is a Native English speaker
- That I am a native English speaker with average to above average communication skills
- That my speech was clear and strait-forward
- That neither of us was under the influence of alcohol or drugs
- That the phone line was clear and static free
Given all of that how could the miscommunication have occurred? I've assigned it to something I'm going to call confident questioning.
I believe Confident questioning occurs all the time in communication and that it is a detriment to communication. I'm defining Confident Questioning as someone asking a question, even though they have a high percentage confidence that they know what the answer will be. Here's an example. If I ask the question "Noah, would you like this ice cream cone?" I'm pretty much just being polite, or maybe even teasing, because I'm 99% sure that you are about 30 seconds away from looking like this...
The IT guy, in my opinion, asked me how to spell my name, but was pretty much already writing it instead of listening to me. It can be very dangerous to ask a question without being prepared to actually listen to the answer. Several years ago I got upset with someone who asked my opinion about something and then got upset because my opinion didn't agree with theirs.
So I'd counsel you to really listen to people. Ask questions, but more importantly, be open to answers. You never know when you'll learn something new, or understand someone a little bit better, or even just make a new guy feel happy that you spelled his awesome name right.
Love,
Daddydoo
I just started my new job at Great Basin Scientific. So far I love it. I feel useful and I think I'll be able to do a good job there. I also have my own office for the first time in my career and it has been so nice. I'm getting everything set up and organized to help me focus and work hard when I'm at work. I was talking with the IT guy and getting my e-mail and everything set up early on. While talking with him on the phone he asked, "How do you spell your name?"
Easy question! Z_a_c_k_e_r_y
I waited 5 minutes as requested and then logged in to my new account ...which was assigned the uncomfortable spelling of Z_a_c_h_e_r_y.
I've always liked how my name was spelled simply and phoenetically. I even like the way the letters are shaped. So confident was I in the spelling that I refer to those "fake Zacks" as Zatch because the spelling of Zachary seems ludicrous to me. Where else does char make a "ker" sound? Not "care" like character, but "ker" like, you know, Zackery? (That's right, Carrie, I've moved on from the cha in mechanical ;o) )
I found out in the recent months that apparently some nurse cornered my Dad in the hospital and asked how to spell his new baby boy's name. He gave the spelling and apparently has felt guilt over these years because he didn't know how to spell it then and I've been suffering thorough life with a mediocre name spelling. He asked if it has caused me much trouble. "Sure, but I take pride in it!"
I'm never tempted to buy the "personalized" gimmick gifts anywhere because they all spell Zackery incorrectly! No one ever pronounces my name wrong because it is so obvious how it should be. Oh, and I have e-mail addresses at hotmail, yahoo and gmail with my name spelled corectly, which wouldn't have been possible without a 16243 or something after my name if it was Zachary. It never really bothers me when people spell my name wrong, which happens all the time, but I like pointing it out from time to time. It is also a good reminder to me to pay attention to the details because you can make someone feel good or worthless with a simple thing like knowing their name, or spelling it correctly in an e-mail, or mentioning something they did well.
I, of course, had to call the IT guy back and get him to correct the spelling on my account (which I had to do at Idaho Technology as well, for the record). But I think it bothered me a little bit that this IT guy spelled it wrong. I think it was because his question gave the impression that he was cared, and wanted to spelling my name correctly. Then, in the space of less than 5 minutes he spelled it incorrectly. Maybe it was because I had the false expectation that my name would then be spelled right, or maybe it was because I knew I had to call and correct him, and I wanted to just move forward. Who knows.
I've thought about him spelling my name wrong a couple times since then. I've come to the following conclusions
- That he indeed DOES care about spelling peoples name correctly
- That he is an individual with average to above average intelligence
- That he have average to above average hearing and comprehension skills
- That he is a Native English speaker
- That I am a native English speaker with average to above average communication skills
- That my speech was clear and strait-forward
- That neither of us was under the influence of alcohol or drugs
- That the phone line was clear and static free
Given all of that how could the miscommunication have occurred? I've assigned it to something I'm going to call confident questioning.
I believe Confident questioning occurs all the time in communication and that it is a detriment to communication. I'm defining Confident Questioning as someone asking a question, even though they have a high percentage confidence that they know what the answer will be. Here's an example. If I ask the question "Noah, would you like this ice cream cone?" I'm pretty much just being polite, or maybe even teasing, because I'm 99% sure that you are about 30 seconds away from looking like this...
The IT guy, in my opinion, asked me how to spell my name, but was pretty much already writing it instead of listening to me. It can be very dangerous to ask a question without being prepared to actually listen to the answer. Several years ago I got upset with someone who asked my opinion about something and then got upset because my opinion didn't agree with theirs.
So I'd counsel you to really listen to people. Ask questions, but more importantly, be open to answers. You never know when you'll learn something new, or understand someone a little bit better, or even just make a new guy feel happy that you spelled his awesome name right.
Love,
Daddydoo
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Should, Want, Safe?
We should all want to be safe, right?
Which is why I definitely wouldn't decide to leave my stable job in the middle of a challenging economy shortly after bringing home my third child. That would just be....silly.
Well, that's what I did. Work hasn't been terrible, but I just wasn't feeling right anymore. I can't think of any other way to put it. That sure made my interviews challenging when the interviewer would ask why I was leaving Idaho Technology.
"uhm, personality differences?"
I won't pretend like everything was perfect. There were some issues, but it was just time to move on, and it felt right. And I couldn't have guessed how right it was. I updated my resume and started applying for job openings on the 4th of July. By the end of the month I already had had interviews for 6 different openings, and had 4 offers in hand. All four offers were in positions and with companies that I was pretty excited about. All four offered a pay raise. Two of the four had a better commute, and the other two were an easier commute even though it was about 5 minutes further. I racked my brain for what seemed like weeks (even though it was just from Thursday night to Tuesday morning). I talked about it with Carrie with every spare moment we had. Wrote down pros and cons. What a blessing it was to have multiple job offers so quickly! I'd have been thrilled with any one of them, but how was I supposed to decide between them? We had prayed for help, but we were trying to "study it out in our minds" until we decided on one for which we could pray for confirmation.
Eventually (Monday night) we eliminated one of the positions, leaving three. I kept vacillating on them and struggled to find one I could say yes to and feel comfortable with. Mom was watching and listening and made a keen observation.
"It seems that you like Merit because it is SAFE, you WANT to choose Bridgewater, but you feel like you SHOULD go with Great Basin"
She was right (as usual). I had felt for a while that I was supposed to go to Great Basin, but there were things the other companies offered, that I didn't want to let go of. There were also some risks with Great Basin, even though I wanted to work there too.
In the end, of course, we prayed about going with Great Basin Scientific, and got confirmation that it was the right choice. My patriarchal blessing helped a lot as it reminded me to "remember the will of the Lord. Follow it". Did I want my own will over the Lord's? Was it possible that I knew the best fit for me? Could it be that i didn't trust the Lord, and therefore wanted to be safe? Of course not. It just took a little while to stop being blinded by my own eyes. I was searching for what I wanted and spent hours on hours going back and forth. On Tuesday morning I searched for God's will, and in a matter of minutes felt that peace that comes from making the right decision. I start next Monday. I don't expect it to be easy, but I expect it to be what is best for me and my family if I try hard and do my best.
Don't ever let your own logic overpower the prompting of the Spirit, and don't ever let what you think you want overpower your willingness to follow God's will, for therein lies true happiness.
Love,
Daddydoo
Like Daddy
Saturday, July 14th of this year was a pretty special day to me. Not only was it the day that our baby girl was sealed to us, but it was the day that I got to be in a sealing room with my little family. ALL my family (as far as I know). For the first time I felt complete. That moment was the exclamation point at the end of this long and wonderful adoption phase.
Yemma, you were absolutely beautiful. Your dress fit perfectly and you were just so adorable. You had a couple of hairpins that Mom made for you from the goofy hat that came with your dress. you were an angel throughout the ceremony and gave a resounding AMEN at the conclusion that brought a chuckle from everyone in the room.
And my little men....SO handsome! You were both quite aware of what was going on. I hope you are able to retain some of that wonderful memory. Caleb, you recognized my hat, and asked if you could have one too. I explained that it was Daddy's special hat for the temple, and you seemed satisfied with that as a response and continued around the room greeting all of your favorite people. Noah you are also becoming more friendly and seemed in your element that day, happy to soak up the love of your close family and friends.
The next week, while I was working at Idaho Technology, I got the following picture sent to me from your Mom.
Apparently, Mom caught my Calebooski trying to put on my white shirt and tie. She couldn't resist, so she helped you get it all on. As you can tell from the picture, you were quite pleased with yourself. This would be a pretty good story all by itself, but you weren't done just looking like Daddy. You then told Mom that you were going to go to the temple to be married "with a special hat".
I was impressed with your resolve and happy with the direction your 2 year old life was headed, but I also felt an increased weight. I was reminded of how important my decision are and how you may try to be like me, for better AND for worse. So now I will try to increase MY resolve, and shore up my weaknesses, and try to be a good example for you and your siblings. I love you three so much! Love, Daddydoo
Yemma, you were absolutely beautiful. Your dress fit perfectly and you were just so adorable. You had a couple of hairpins that Mom made for you from the goofy hat that came with your dress. you were an angel throughout the ceremony and gave a resounding AMEN at the conclusion that brought a chuckle from everyone in the room.
And my little men....SO handsome! You were both quite aware of what was going on. I hope you are able to retain some of that wonderful memory. Caleb, you recognized my hat, and asked if you could have one too. I explained that it was Daddy's special hat for the temple, and you seemed satisfied with that as a response and continued around the room greeting all of your favorite people. Noah you are also becoming more friendly and seemed in your element that day, happy to soak up the love of your close family and friends.
The next week, while I was working at Idaho Technology, I got the following picture sent to me from your Mom.
Apparently, Mom caught my Calebooski trying to put on my white shirt and tie. She couldn't resist, so she helped you get it all on. As you can tell from the picture, you were quite pleased with yourself. This would be a pretty good story all by itself, but you weren't done just looking like Daddy. You then told Mom that you were going to go to the temple to be married "with a special hat".
I was impressed with your resolve and happy with the direction your 2 year old life was headed, but I also felt an increased weight. I was reminded of how important my decision are and how you may try to be like me, for better AND for worse. So now I will try to increase MY resolve, and shore up my weaknesses, and try to be a good example for you and your siblings. I love you three so much! Love, Daddydoo
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Impetus
What?
This blog is a collection of lessons I've learned that I'd want my kids to know in hopes of helping them navigate through life with fewer "hard knocks". It includes my advice to them about a variety of topics. These lessons and advice will generally take the form of letters.
Why?
A while ago Elder Henry B. Eyring, 2nd counselor in The First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, gave a conference talk and talked about the importance of recording lessons for our children. He said, "I was supposed to record for my children to read, someday in the future, how I had seen the hand of God blessing our family". He wrote daily how he had seen those blessings. About 27 months after this talk was given I was getting ready for bed, with my sweet baby boy softly sleeping in his crib. We had been home with him for nearly a month. That day in church there was a lesson about David and how he used his free time tending sheep to ponder and receive inspiration from the Lord. As I sat there pondering what the Lord would have me do I remembered Elder Eyring's talk and started a letter book for Caleb.
Where?
I have a journal for each of my three kids that I use to write important lessons, especially ones pertaining to them or learned from them. There have multiple times I wanted to take one or more journals with me to write in during any free time I had, but I've been so nervous about losing them that I wouldn't take them and would inevitably forget the lesson. I've also realized that there are multiple lessons I'd want all my kids to have, not just the ones in their journal. Hence the reason that now, 2.5 years later, I'm starting a blog for those lessons. I realize that makes some very personal experiences open to the public but my prayer is that these lessons might be helpful to others, not just my own kids, to improve and inspire and uplift and not used as a tool for judging me or my kids. I'm casting some pearls out, so don't trample on them! I can type faster than I can write, the lessons will be able to be saved, and I'll no longer have to walk the line between having the journals handy to write in often and in my fire safe to help protect them. Plus I can type them up from anywhere without fear of losing everything.
Now what?
Initially I suspect that there will be a mixture of new entries and recording of old entries, but it'll all get sorted out sooner or later. Kiddos, I love you all, and I am so grateful for the many lessons I learn through you. Watching you and our relationship together helps me understand my own relationship with my heavenly Father. I hope that together we can create a database of learning for you, for your children, and for future generations to build on. Family Scriptures, if you will.
Here we go!
This blog is a collection of lessons I've learned that I'd want my kids to know in hopes of helping them navigate through life with fewer "hard knocks". It includes my advice to them about a variety of topics. These lessons and advice will generally take the form of letters.
Why?
A while ago Elder Henry B. Eyring, 2nd counselor in The First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, gave a conference talk and talked about the importance of recording lessons for our children. He said, "I was supposed to record for my children to read, someday in the future, how I had seen the hand of God blessing our family". He wrote daily how he had seen those blessings. About 27 months after this talk was given I was getting ready for bed, with my sweet baby boy softly sleeping in his crib. We had been home with him for nearly a month. That day in church there was a lesson about David and how he used his free time tending sheep to ponder and receive inspiration from the Lord. As I sat there pondering what the Lord would have me do I remembered Elder Eyring's talk and started a letter book for Caleb.
Where?
I have a journal for each of my three kids that I use to write important lessons, especially ones pertaining to them or learned from them. There have multiple times I wanted to take one or more journals with me to write in during any free time I had, but I've been so nervous about losing them that I wouldn't take them and would inevitably forget the lesson. I've also realized that there are multiple lessons I'd want all my kids to have, not just the ones in their journal. Hence the reason that now, 2.5 years later, I'm starting a blog for those lessons. I realize that makes some very personal experiences open to the public but my prayer is that these lessons might be helpful to others, not just my own kids, to improve and inspire and uplift and not used as a tool for judging me or my kids. I'm casting some pearls out, so don't trample on them! I can type faster than I can write, the lessons will be able to be saved, and I'll no longer have to walk the line between having the journals handy to write in often and in my fire safe to help protect them. Plus I can type them up from anywhere without fear of losing everything.
Now what?
Initially I suspect that there will be a mixture of new entries and recording of old entries, but it'll all get sorted out sooner or later. Kiddos, I love you all, and I am so grateful for the many lessons I learn through you. Watching you and our relationship together helps me understand my own relationship with my heavenly Father. I hope that together we can create a database of learning for you, for your children, and for future generations to build on. Family Scriptures, if you will.
Here we go!
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