Weak Things Become Strong

Dear Kiddoskis,

I think there is a fine line between "airing dirty laundry" or "casting pearls" and the good and learning that can come from being open.  I can't control what you or anyone else will think when you read my thoughts, but I can focus on sharing with you the things I learn in hopes it will somehow be valuable to you someday.  The things I've written and the lessons I've learned from you kids can also help me, as I discovered today.  I was reading "Invisible Hands" and thinking about all the help I've received.  I read "Dual Beings" and was reminded of where I was, compared with where I am.  I read "Leave yourself at the door" and was reminded of how much it has helped me to have people be open, which encourages me to do the same.  I read "I will be Brave" and was infused with the courage needed to write this post.

So thanks, me, for the great advice! :-)

Earlier this year, or maybe last year sometime
Let me start this off by telling you there is no one I know more loyal, forgiving, and faithful than your Mom.  She has endured a lot, and never stopped loving me.  Take good care of her, or I will haunt you as a dragon in your dreams (If you don't know that reference, ask your Mom or I, or Rob and Reb).  Anyway, one day I read a post on depression from a blog on your Mom's computer that sounded a little too familiar to me.  Shortly thereafter I talked to your Mom about the articles she'd been reading on Depression.  From the confused look I could tell she had no idea what I was talking about, but she had thought of me back when she read that post and wondered if maybe I did have some sort of Depression or something.  It seemed possible, but the feelings and challenges didn't always fit with what I understood about Depression.  The feelings I had weren't that different than in the post but some were dead ringers.  So I worked even harder to try to "break through", like she did.
"I can do hard things" I reminded myself.  Fail.  "I just have to push myself and I can do it".  Fail again.  "I just need to man up and be the man I know I'm capable of being".  Fail and wonder, "why do I keep failing?".   "Stop whining about your perfect life, loving wife, incredible kids, good job, nice house, and functional paid for cars and go be who you know you need to be!" Fail, and realize how horrible I am for failing for no good reason.  That was terrible.  I was depressed, and didn't even have a good reason, and I knew it.  Finding new tools, or coming up with a new meaningful phrase or scripture to focus on was momentarily motivating, but in actuality, like the post says, "...trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn't going to work."

Two and a half months ago
In spite of my efforts I kept "failing".  I felt broken.  I would tell myself that I just wasn't doing everything in my power.  I must just be missing this piece, or that piece, or forgetting that helpful tool, and I just needed to combine everything and THEN i'd be okay.  The conflict from the "Dual Beings" nature was too much for me because I eventually realized I couldn't wait for the perfect storm of rightness that would propel me to being good because at any hiccup I'd fall from the pedestal again.  I felt like I was becoming weaker and weaker ad worse and worse and giving in to being a bad husband and father with more frequency even though I was trying harder than ever to be the Dad and Husband I've always tried to be.  I just felt like I was spinning my wheels.
I have notebooks filled with motivational tools and moments of inspiration and lessons, that all have meaning to me.  I have countless hours of discussion and brainstorming with your Mom analyzing childhood, communication, parenthood, relationships, and pretty much everything else. I have a huge mirror in the bathroom with various reminders written on it.   I have the faces of a lovely wife and three beautiful kids whom I love so dearly.  I have a Willow Tree figurine I gave your Mom with a promise that I would never give up. But I still wasn't who I needed to be and knew I could be.  Not even close.  I even started questioning if I was getting any better. I'd get frustrated for no good reason.  I'd beat myself up for not being who I knew I could be.  So I called a therapist and set up an appointment because I didn't know what else to try, and I refused to give up even if I had to do something uncomfortable like, ask for professional help (gasp).

About three weeks ago
For 8 weeks your Mom and I got up early and went to see my therapist.  Frankly, it was quite easy because I wasn't trying to hide anything, and I wanted help.  Everything he wanted to know was at the forefront of our minds already.  Everything he wanted to discuss was something we had already discussed, so we progressed rapidly.  He was good at listening and adding pointers or tools or angles that were new to us and we were anxious to try anything he wanted us to try.  They all worked...sometimes.  Just like everything else. One day when I was talking about it being hard for me to feel God's love, the therapist told me he was still convinced I suffered from Depression, but he didn't think I could overcome it no matter how hard i tried without medication.  It deflated me.  I didn't want to rely on medication, even if I'd probably only need it for 6-12 months.  He said he understood my position because he, too, was an independent, hard worker who didn't like to make excuses and thought he could do anything if he just tried hard enough.  He said that he had reached a point in his life where he too had to finally admit to himself that trying harder wasn't the answer.  He'd tried all the tools, and he knew all the tools.  He'd tried forcing himself to be right.  He said that he started taking a medication and then started noticing that his efforts started to "stick", and he encouraged me to see my doctor and get a prescription.  I wasn't surprised, but I had still held on to the hope that with the help of the therapist I could brute force myself to be better.  I worried about taking medication to "alter my brain" even though it was tauted as being analogous to vitamins.

About two weeks ago
When I made the decision to see a therapist I had already made the decision in my mind that if I needed to take medication that I would if it is what helped.  It wasn't easy or fun, but I went to the doctor and shared my situation.  He agreed with the diagnosis and gave me a prescription for Prozac.

Last Sunday
I started taking half doses as recommended and after a few days of that moved to full doses.  I was worried that I might sub consciously try to "make the medicine work" as though it was a placebo, which would indicate that I had the power within all along.  I was also worried that i might subconsciously "keep the medicine from working".  I worried it wouldn't work and I'd have to try something else.  I worried that medicine wasn't even enough to help me.

Last Friday
I sat down on my bed at the end of the day to discuss the day with your Mom.  As I started talking about how i was feeling I paused, and looked back over the day in my mind.  Then I looked back over the past week.  Then, while Mom looked at me quizically, I compared that day and week with every similar day and week I could think of in the past few years.  It wasn't until that very moment that I realized I didn't feel any different.  I wasn't changed.  The world wasn't rose tinted.  I was doing the same things, and so was everyone around me.  BUT, it was then that I also realized that at that moment I felt like I would after a day where things had gone pretty well.  Not after a day and week where I was sick and hadn't done much, and had struggled.  I thought about how something might get to me, and I'd discuss it with your Mom, but even when things were resolved, or I understood the situation, the feeling would often stay.  But at that moment, I realized that several times already that week, the feeling didn't stick.  I could resolve it and move on.  I was scared that this might be a fluke, but I was also so excited that maybe the medication was actually helping...already!  I felt like my work was paying off.  I felt like my legs were back under me and if I tried, I'd be able to see a difference.  But the best thing was, that I wasn't doing anything special, and I also still felt like me.  It was a wonderful realization and a moment I hope not to forget.

Last Saturday
I sat down to watch conference and in the afternoon session, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland got up to speak.  Is it okay to have a favorite apostle?  I hope so, because I'd say that he and Elder Oaks are my favorites.  I have always seemed to relate really well to their stories and the way they speak.  It is no nonsense, bold, but loving and compassionate.  The kind of compassion that comes from experience.  I've known for a while now that Elder Oaks was raised by a single Mom from the age of 8 and was the oldest child.  When I discovered that I knew why I could relate to him so well, but I didn't know what made me relate to Elder Holland until Saturday.
He started his talk about mental illnesses and their reality.  Then he got more specific and spoke about Depression.  He listed common groups affected by depression.  His last group...Young Fathers.  As soon as he said those words I felt so validated.  Felt so understood.  Felt so unashamed.  Then Elder Holland revealed that he too suffered from Depression as a young father.

Maybe I wasn't broken.  Maybe I wasn't just weak.  Maybe this Depression thing is real.  I don't have any recollection of any type of talk like this before now, but I felt like the timing and the talk were for me.  I felt like I wasn't banging my head against a wall anymore.  I felt so much gratitude to Elder Holland for his courage and for his willingness to share that illness that I had always perceived as a "weakness".

Today
I'm not foolish enough to think I don't have a lot of work still ahead of me.  I have a long road ahead.  But I am confident I can do it.  I feel like when I move my legs...I walk.  Not like before, when I just felt like I was doing better until my next meltdown.  No, this is different than it has ever felt.  Before, I could only feel adequate if I did everything like I knew I should.  Now I can already be accepting of the inevitable hiccups ahead, knowing it is all part of the process of becoming who I want to be.  Your Mom keeps pointing out things I am doing differently, or times I respond differently.  She asks me if I am doing it consciously, and I'm not.  I just don't have that voice telling me how inadequate I am, or telling me I should feel guilty.
This morning on the way to work, I talked with Uncle Shane about Depression, and now I'm talking with you guys about it.  It isn't something to be ashamed of, and I'm not going to be ashamed of it.  I have more courage because of others who weren't afraid to talk about it, and maybe if I talk about it I can help others who are spinning their wheels, or who haven't received that sense of validation yet and just need to know they aren't alone.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. Ether 12:27

I've discovered that it is okay not to be perfect. It is okay to struggle, and need help and grace and the atonement. Strive for Greatness, Kiddos, and do your best, but enjoy your journey. That includes your lifelong journey towards perfection, no matter what hurdles life puts in your path.  Don't worry about your position as much as you worry about your direction.  Have faith in Christ and trust his grace.

Love,
Daddydoo

So You're Inheriting An Apple Orchard...

Dear Kiddos,

It can be hard to look into the eyes of your children, and know where they'll be in 10, 20, 30 years.  I think the reason it is hard for me is because the options ahead of you are literally limitless.  You can do ANYthing.  Sports, education, emotional or spiritual growth, occupation...you could do anything.  Nothing is out of reach for you.  One of the reasons is because at your age, and with the smarts you three have, and the work ethic, you could become whoever you wanted.

At our 10 year anniversary dinner, your Mom and I wrote down who we wanted to be in 10 years, with the hope that we could overcome weaknesses and challenges to become who we wanted, and with a focus on that for ten years we could surely do it!

So let's shift gears to the hypothetical.  Let's say that you had been told that when you turned 30 you would inherit an apple orchard.  Let's also so that you were told that the apple orchard would be the best apple orchard, and would be your key to success and happiness if you took proper care of it.  What would you do between now and then?  Maybe learn about apple trees? Pruning? possible tree infections and remedies?  Maybe you'd plant a few trees and practice caring for them so you were better prepared?  Maybe even study apple market share, or develop relationships with produce purchasers to understand how they make their decisions.  You could be come an expert in all things related if you had enough time and enough foresight.

That was the analogy I thought of during the adult session of Stake Conference a few weeks ago.  I was listening to a talk and it hit me.  At the end of this life, and after the resurrection, you will be a god, and with Carrie by your side, you'll have countless spirit children.  You'll have to know how to love them and teach them and respect their agency whether they choose good or evil, whether they love you or hate you.  Knowing that, what should you do?

Could I really do that, given enough time and foresight?  I know you kids could.  I know your Mom could.  But could I? And how would knowing that affect what I try to do and who I try to become in this life?  I've learned so much from you kids these last 3 years, and while I'm grateful, I also feel bad that you are my "practice trees";  Here to help me learn how to be a good parent. But I think you three and Mom and I agreed before we came down here to Earth that no matter where we were placed on this Earth, we would find each other, and we'd stick with each other, and we'd work together to help all of us overcome our weakness and become our best selves, and return again rejoicing.

That's hard to stay focused on every day, but I know that we have the vision, we have the foresight, and we have the time.  So I know we can do it by babystepping along and working each week to be a little better, a little more patient, a little more loving, a little more faithful, prayerful, and kind than the week before.

Love,
Daddydoo

I Will Be Brave!!

Dear Kiddos,
Your Mom and I try really hard to be sympathetic when you are afraid of something, but try to encourage you to be brave and overcome those fears.  We've never worried about using nightlights, and you kids have always been just fine with the dark, in fact Noah and Yemma, you two often pull a blanket over your head if it isn't dark enough!  We've also worked with you kids in an attempt to help you understand your emotions and use words instead of traditional toddler communication via tantrums and screaming....just for YOUR benefit of course ;o)

At some point, after reading Nephi 3:7 with you all, we used the phrase, "Do you have Nephi's courage?".  Well, that phrase and "I was so brave!" have been well adopted by you, Caleb, and as Noah and Yemma talk more and more, you two are following suit.

So the other day when Mom was taking you guys out to the car, she wasn't surprised that Caleb said "I will be brave, I will be brave" but she WAS surprised by the timing.  She went to the other side of the car to see why you needed to be brave, and to her surprise there was a dead cat on the garage floor!  It turns out that the cat had crawled up under the hood the previous night at Grandma and Grandpa's house and likely died on the way home.  What I love about the story though, was that when my boy was faced with something unexpected, he didn't stop, or make excuses; He decided to be brave and move forward.

Throughout your lives you'll be faced with new things.  Different things.  Unexpected things.  For some you'll be able to make the decision to be brave, and meet them head on.  Others you might need to lean on your Mom and I for added strength.  For others still,  you'll have to have Nephi's courage; A courage that can only come through faith and prayer.  A confidence that comes from knowing your Heavenly Father supports you and has charged angels to go before your face and round about you to bear you up.  Regardless of what kind of bravery or courage is required, I hope you'll know you can do it, and that you don't have to do it alone.

Love,
Daddydoo

Kiss it better

Noahroo
I imagine you know this already, but you are one tough kid.  You are only two and a half and you are all muscle.  Not only are you tough because you are all muscly, but you are tough because you can fall and smack something (and often do) and go right back to playing without skipping a beat.  Your Mom and I will just look at each other and wonder how that just happened.

But you can also barely bump something and burst into tears and come running over to us, crying "Kiss it better".  Sometimes I've responded with a "you're not hurt" or "be tough!", to which you just your chin out, lower your head and look at me like I'm totally missing the point....because I am.

When you ask me to kiss it better, and I swoop you up, acknowledge that you fell, and give you kiss, you invariably, even when you really smacked yourself, are able to recover and go play.  I used to think that was proof that you hadn't really hurt yourself, but now I think it means that listening, sympathizing, and caring are NOT placebo's.  I think they actually work to remove pain and encourage us along.

You are young, but you are already a very sympathetic little boy, and clearly full of love.  I hope you'll take the time to listen to someone's concerns, even if they seem to you to be insignificant or unnecessary.  If they are crying, it is a big deal to them, and you can be the one to listen, sympathize, care, and encourage them to feel better.

Love,
Daddydoo.

Feeling the Spirit

Hi there Caleboo!
We had a cool experience today.  After church, we put you down for a nap.  I really like talking with you and watching as your vocabulary grows so much.  I asked you what you learned about in nursery today.  For the record, your response, all by itself, was absolutely amazing and showed what a bright little boy you are and how tender your spirit is to truth.

"That Jesus has a body, a physical body.  and he has a spiritual one inside"

Really?  Did my barely 3 year old just say that?  Need I mention your near perfect diction?  What a great lesson you learned from your nursery leaders.

So I realized that this was a perfect opportunity to reinforce the lesson and help you recognize the Spirit.  Teaching moment! Here's how it was supposed to go, or how I envisioned it going -

Me: "Wow, Caleboo, what a great lesson! How does it make you feel to know that?"
You: "Happy"
Me: "Those happy feelings come from the Spirit telling you what you learned is true"
You: "Thanks Dad, you're an amazing teacher.  I've learned so much!"
Then we'd have a big hug, and you'd quietly drift off to sleep

Here's how it actually went -

Me: "Wow, Caleboo, what a great lesson! How does it make you feel to know that?"
You: "Sad"
Me: "uhm, Sad? or Happy?"
You: "Sad"
Me: "It makes you feel sad to think about Jesus like that?"
You: "Yeah"
Me: (Oh no! my teaching moment is unraveling! Mayday, Mayday!....Wait, I wonder why he's saying "sad") "Why does it make you feel sad?"
You: Because he's not here with us.

Here I was thinking about teaching you to feel the spirit, and you were so close to the spirit that you longed to be with Jesus.  So, I was right about it being a teaching moment, but it was you doing the teaching :)

Thanks for having such a strong spirit.  I love you kiddo.
Love, Daddydoo

Invisible Hands

Hi there my Yemma-lou,

Before I get started I just want to say that your Mom made your hair look sooo cute today.  It framed your pretty face and girly features so well and you were just adorable.

Now, to start off, let me remind you of how you like to sleep.  You are a master mimicker or you and Noah are just kindred spirits, because you both like to sleep on your knees....that's right.  and I don't mean while praying, or at least i'm not aware that's what you are doing before you fall to sleep.  Imagine sleeping on your stomach and then tucking your legs underneath you, and that's how you and Noah sleep.  When you are congested and have a cold it just sounds so sad, and you do NOT like to sleep on your back!

You and Noah are also great sleepers.  Caleb was too until he got a little older, so we'll see what happens with you two.  Here's where you and Noah are opposites in sleeping.  When Noah sleeps, you can't even see him.  He's usually under a couple blankets, and a pillow, smothered into the darkest corner of his bed he can find.  You on the other hand are often sleeping on top of your blankets out in the middle of the mattress. No matter how cold it might be, or how warm your pajamas are, or how we leave you when we put you to bed, that's how you end up.

Maybe I've been partially responsible for your sleep habits.  If I just let you freeze a few night's maybe you'd learn to keep your blankets on....but I don't.  I sneak in after you've fallen asleep and cover you up.  Last night as I snuck in right before going to bed myself, I covered you, and then thought about how you'd never know I did that for you night after night.  I thought about how you might be dreaming of walking through the tundra without a coat, and then your dream would shift to snuggling into a blanket by the fire as you warmed up, and you wouldn't even know why, you'd just feel happier, and comforted and hopefully, loved.

Now make no mistake, I'm definitely not claiming to be a great Dad.  I have my faults, and weaknesses that I'm trying to improve.  But in the quiet of the night, looking down at my little 20 month old girl, covering her up and whispering, "I love you, babygirl", I feel like a good Dad. and it brings me joy to know there are things I can do to be there for you and let you know I love you.

Now, I didn't write this letter to herald my great deeds, nor did I write it to make sure you knew what i did for you.  I wrote it for three reasons:

1) There are invisible hands that touch our lives all the time.  People who love us so much, that make our life better with or without us even knowing it.  People close to us who share love, or sacrifice for us.  A loving Father in Heaven imparting his love.  Yet-to-be-born children, or a brother or uncle who've already passed away working anonymously for our benefit.  That feeling you have right now...that's the Spirit testifying truth.  Another invisible hand building testimony, and helping you feel the love your family and your Father in Heaven have for you.

2) Do your best to recognize when someone around you tries to help you, and be grateful.  Sometimes it isn't the best help, sometimes it isn't something you asked for, and sometimes it can be a profound experience on your life, but be grateful.

3) There is an indescribable joy that can be felt when serving others.  Sacrificing your own comforts or desires to lift others.  Sometimes silently, sometimes not so much, but look for those opportunities.  Think of others and their situations and don't be afraid to reach out to them.  Give of yourself, and I promise you'll find joy in being those invisible hands, even if it is simply helping your sweet little angel be a little warmer at night.

Love,
Daddydoo

Leave Yourself at the Door

Dear Caleboo,
The other night your Mom and I sat down to relax at the end of a fairly long day.  We were tired and anxious for a break from the days stresses.  About 5 minutes into it you called out from your room for us and I came in to see how you were doing and get you all tucked in again.  We said "I love you" again and you settled in and I went back to be with your Mom.  A few minutes later we were all settled in and comfortable again and you called out again.  This time your Mom went in to see what you needed.

I was a little frustrated that our nice night kept being interrupted and imagined what I'd do if you called out a third time.  As I thought about that I thought that if you kept calling out, you probably just wanted a little more attention than we were giving you.  I thought about times I have a hard time falling asleep, and how grateful I am when your Mom stays up longer than she could reasonably be expected to, just to try to help me go to sleep.  I thought of how that makes me feel loved and important, and I decided that if you called out a third time, I was going to do that for you.

Mom came back and we got settled in to enjoy our evening again.  Sure enough, a couple minutes later came the call from our Caleboo who's "blanket isn't working".  I started to feel upset, and then reminded myself of how you might be feeling.  I told your Mom I'd take care of it and as I walked out I voiced out loud "leave yourself at the door, Dad".  The reason I said that is because I was also thinking of how I was going to make sure I let you know that you were making my night hard, and you needed to learn to be respectful of other's time.  I knew I couldn't really make you feel loved and important, if I was focused more on myself, so I had to choose.

As I left the room and entered your room, I committed to leave behind my selfish desires and just focus on you.  As I did that I was filled with the love I feel for you.  I walked in, gave you a big hug, and asked if you wanted to sit with me.  I barely finished the sentence before you had grabbed a blanket to come cuddle with.  You climbed up onto my lap as I sat in the bean bag chair and just let me hold you.  We sang "Give said the little stream" and "Teach me to walk in the light" together and just sat there enjoying being together.  I was probably only in there for 10 or 15 minutes, but I think we both felt so much better afterwords.  You went to sleep without another word, and your Mom and I were still able to enjoy our night, even if it wasn't how we'd initially envisioned it going.

I think a lot of our relationships in life could be improved if we just tried more often to leave ourselves at the door.
Love,
Daddydoo